“The end of August feels like a Sunday night.”

My daughter read this post aloud to me after coming home from the library, where she realized how much she had to get going on her summer reading. We laughed ruefully and talked about how we were both feeling that end-of-August anxiety that we hadn’t accomplished enough or enjoyed enough before the school year begins again.

How do we handle these feelings of “not enough,” self-judgment, and regret that often come up at transition times of the year?

This is a question I’ve been thinking about as I talk with friends and parent coaching clients  and reflect on my own feelings as these last summer days slip by. I’d like to explore why we have these feelings and how we can shift our mindset to reduce self-inflicted suffering and allow for more joy, which ultimately makes us more purposeful and creative.

Why are we so hard on ourselves?

As human beings, we usually underestimate the time things really take.  This phenomenon has even been named by psychologists as “the planning fallacy” and as “Hofstadter’s law,” which essentially states that “any task you’re planning to complete will always take longer than expected.”

This human pattern leads us to frustration, disappointment, and less happiness. As a doctor who attended my “Mindfulness to Reduce Burn-out” workshop at Massachusetts General Hospital shared, “Happiness = Outcome minus Expectation.” His colleagues agreed with this concept, both in their professional and personal lives. When our experiences or outcomes fall short of our expectations, we tend to feel less happy and more let down.

How can we feel better?

When we shift our attention from making comparisons to appreciating “what is,” we feel better, which gives us energy to keep doing better. I tried this mindset shift out the other night when I was telling my husband about my frustrations at not writing more this summer. When I felt my anxiety rising and that familiar heaviness of disappointment, I decided to hit “PAUSE” (a great mindfulness strategy) and follow my own advice to my clients by asking myself, “What am I appreciating about this summer?”

I started naming aloud the many things I have enjoyed this summer – family vacation time, being with my children, working in my garden, eating outside, taking early morning and night time walks, swimming in a local lake AND some intense weeks of work – coaching parents, working on my website, and clearing out old boxes to make room for an art space in my basement. I felt my heart lift as a feeling of deep gratitude and acceptance filled me. So, sure I didn’t write several blogs, create a  workshop launch, or organize my recipe cut-outs into a binder. Instead, I enjoyed focusing on human relationships in both work and play, organizing, and being outside. And, like the zinnias I planted that have taken longer than usual to bloom this summer, I, too, am taking longer to get back into writing. And there really is no need to rush that process. I have focused on my family and on my clients, which is what matters most to me. Relationships are primary for human beings. Taking that moment to appreciate the good in what I have done this summer gave me a boost of energy that enabled me to sit down right now and write about this experience so that I can share it with you.

Shifting attention from what is lacking to what you can appreciate is a great way of shifting your energy as well as your outcomes.

What we focus on grows.

This is one of the most powerful ideas I share with my clients. We live in a problem-focused culture in the United States and in many parts of the world. When we ask, “What is working well?” and look for information or signs of growth and positive movement, and focus on that, we generate energy and more willingness to keep growing and learning, which is what we do as human beings.

The next time you are feeling that Sunday-night feeling of not having accomplished what you had planned, remember that:

1. You are human and experiencing something shared by all of us.
2. You can pause and shift your attention to what you have done.
3. By focusing on the steps you have taken or the choices you have made, you are generating energy that will help you learn and keep going.

Try this out and let me know what you discover!

Who I serve: I coach parents from coast to coast in the US and internationally.  Thanks to Zoom, I am currently coaching parents from Boston to Seattle, Connecticut to California, as well as New York, Ohio, and Colorado. I’ve worked with parents in Bermuda, Japan, Portugal, and Canada as well. I’m grateful for these global and domestic connections!