Whether or not you are a mother, here’s a recipe to make Mother’s Day or any special day truly happy.

Have you ever had a disappointing Mother’s Day where you might have ended up angry or in tears instead of relishing the feeling of being appreciated?

Perhaps you have felt frustrated that your plans didn’t work out. Or maybe you were trying to celebrate a mother and she didn’t appreciate what you did.

Maybe you find Mother’s Day painful because of missing your own mom, having a hard relationship with your mom, not getting to have a child, or missing a child of your own?

With a bit of forethought, you can increase the odds of having a great day…

Holidays affect each of us in unique ways.

Holidays and special days are loaded with expectations. They stir up conflicting emotions as well as memories. And just as this pandemic is hitting all of us in unique ways, Mother’s Day also brings us unique experiences, depending on our situations.

I’ve had my own experiences of feeling disappointed (no cards / no one wanting to do what I really wanted to do / kids being unhappy ) or guilty (I didn’t get my card to my mom out in time / I felt selfish for just wanting to be alone for part of the day/ I didn’t send special messages to my sisters or friends). And I’ve had many happy Mother’s Days that made me feel grateful and content (heartfelt cards / hikes and picnics outside/not having to plan meals/ time with family). My family can now laugh at some of the ups and downs we’ve had on Mother’s Day. But in the moment, we’ve had some tough times.

Having both experiences has taught me to put some thought into what I do actually want on Mother’s Day. Then I have to communicate my needs in a way that works for my family and myself. Clarity helps everyone get on the same page or at least be aware of what each other’s needs are.

You can use these ideas for your birthday, a holiday, any day you want to make special.

I will share from my own perspective as a mom.

Fellow Moms ~ perhaps you can relate.

Dads and Partners ~ may this give you insight into the moms you love.

People Who Love Children ~ may this give you a moment to reflect on your own needs and the ways you have used your motherly skills.

Get in Touch with Your Needs and Hopes on Mother’s Day

I grew up with a mother who was pretty selfless and generous – both great qualities, and yet, they have their dark side.  I’ve had to work on learning to ask for what I need without guilt and to feel ok about having needs that I want others to satisfy. This is probably a lifelong practice for me and for many of us. Women especially, across the globe, are taught to please and care for others and to ignore or deny their own needs when they run counter to the needs or wishes of others. Some of this focus on others is a healthy part of loving another person. And sometimes it results in denying or ignoring one’s self.

We need to stand up for our emotional well-being by getting in touch with our needs and learning to express them with others. This is no easy task. I could write a whole book on this topic, but for now will focus on how to do this on Mother’s Day to avoid what I call the “Mother’s Day Blues.”

Download the following “Recipe for a Happy Mother’s Day” -and print it out to use for your own reflections.

Step 1: Appreciate Yourself

Use this day as an opportunity to reflect on how you are feeling right now and what you need. Many of us have been doing more cooking, cleaning, teaching, and engaging than before the pandemic struck—along with new demands at work —and it’s hard. So, take some time to appreciate all that you have been doing, no matter what your situation is.

Some Journal Prompts:

List some ways you feel good about yourself as a mother/parent/caregiver.

What are the special qualities you share with the children and teens in your life?

Describe what do you do every day for others that might go unnoticed.

Step 2: Notice Patterns

Take some time to notice patterns that are emerging in your family. Patterns and dynamics that were present before the pandemic are often now evident in brighter colors, which is not always easy or comfortable to experience or witness. However, the first step to shifting patterns is to notice them. Then, often doing one small thing differently can change the whole dynamic.

This is something I like to work on with my clients – figuring out what small shifts can create new possibilities and greater ease. Schedule a call with me if you want help with this.

Some Journal Questions:

What are the patterns you are noticing in your family right now?

Choose 1 -2 patterns to examine more deeply:

How are those patterns beneficial?

Are there any drawbacks to those patterns?

What is one thing you would like to shift in those patterns? How would that look and feel?

Can you think of a clear and specific change or a specific request you could make that would help shift that pattern? Sometimes this can mean letting go of something, insisting on something, or changing the time when something happens…

Step 3: What are the “ingredients” of a great Mother’s Day for you?

Be honest about what you really want and need to feel good that day. Even if you don’t really believe in the materialistic origin of these holidays, take the opportunity to think about what you want on that holiday.  Remember that you get to shape how you want it to be. You can do this from the perspective of a mother, the partner of a mother, a grandmother, or as a caregiver who wants to honor the mothering parts of yourself.

After you make your list, circle or star your top three ingredients. These are the things to prioritize when you plan your day. 

Step 4: Share your list of ingredients with the people in your family and talk about how to make them part of your Mother’s Day.

Sometimes you need a Plan A and a Plan B if there are wild cards like unpleasant weather, a child’s mood or sickness, or if you or a partner has to work. This is a time for some self-care and nurturing. Make sure you at least get some Mother’s Day hours to do what YOU want to do.

Step 5: Talk about your list with a friend, share ideas and strategies, and get clear on what really matters most to you on a day of appreciating yourself as a mother or mother figure.

You can download this “Recipe for a Happy Mother’s Day” if you’d like to print out the reflection questions and write your responses down (something I highly recommend!).

Step 6: Apply what you learned: What other special days would you like to prepare for with this “recipe”? Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, vacations, even weekends…

Step 7: Reflect on how things went after the special day to plan for next year.

Some Journal Questions:

What went well?

What would I want to change?

Keep practicing this cycle of dreaming, creating, reflecting, and adjusting, and you will feel happier and more fulfilled.

Part of my coaching package with parents is spending time articulating your dream for your family. This exercise is a mini-version of that. You can use this method or “recipe” for birthdays, holidays, weekends, and any other time you want to make special. Get in touch with what you really want and what you imagine, and you will be much more likely to move towards that dream or vision. It’s often easier to do with another person asking you questions. So, I encourage you to call up a friend or schedule a call with me and I can help you.

Who I serve: I coach parents from coast to coast in the US and internationally.  Thanks to Zoom, I am currently coaching parents from Boston to Seattle, Connecticut to California, as well as New York, Ohio, and Colorado. I’ve worked with parents in Bermuda, Japan, Portugal, and Canada as well. I’m grateful for these global and domestic connections!