You know that feeling of being so sick and tired of cleaning and taking care of people? Maybe losing your marbles over someone making a mess or yelling at a sibling? Or feeling like you might cry or scream if one more person ignores or critiques you? Feeling parent burnout?

Time for some little bursts of self-care, especially during a pandemic.

You are not alone in feeling depleted. These feelings of frustration, exhaustion, resentment, and loneliness tend to bubble up when feeling taken for granted or attending to others round the clock, whether in our family or workplace or both. So, what can you do when you’re not sure who will pick up the slack, and all you’d like to do is go somewhere far away from everyone?

 

 

When I feel like this – and I certainly have had all of these feelings – it’s time for me to take a step back and include myself in my network of caring. I need to carve out some time for myself, do something pleasurable that is just for me, and get a good night of sleep. If you are single parenting or everyone is isolating at home due to Covid, self-care can feel especially hard to do. Parent burnout is often more intense. Getting help and focusing on self-care are essential for your well being, and the well being of your kids. Call me or call a friend to help you figure out a plan for some relief.

Why is self-care so important?

As parents and caregivers, it is our responsibility to focus outwards on others to make sure they feel safe, loved, and cared for by meeting their needs. However, we also have a responsibility to focus inwards to make sure that we’re ok, too. If we are sleep-deprived, not eating well, not moving our bodies, and not getting our needs met, we are much less able to care for others and in danger of parent burnout.

As plane instructions always tell you, “Put your own oxygen mask on first and then help others.” That means that an essential part of parenting is self-care – literally taking care of your own self. And yet, we can forget or deny how important that is. This is one of the most important things I work on with my parent coaching clients.

 

loving yourself

Photo by Vanessa Kintaudi on Unsplash

Based on my own experiences, I believe that self-care makes us feel more:

  • energy
  • creativity
  • resilience
  • playfulness
  • insight
  • hope
  • kindness
  • healthy detachment
  • equanimity

Who doesn’t want more of those things? As human beings, we all want to posses some or all of these qualities so that we can be the best parents and caregivers we can be.

What are your experiences with depletion?

Take a moment to reflect on how you feel and how you act when you are tired and busy taking care of other’s needs nonstop. If you’re like me, you feel tight, irritable, and more rigid, controlling and anxious. You are more in danger of snapping at someone and you don’t feel as kind and able to go with the flow as you’d like. This way of being does not mix well with children, teens, or other adults. In fact, it can result in similar behavior from others in response to your bad mood. Our families tend to pick up our “vibe” and reflect it back to us, which seems unfair and even more irritating in the moment. Can’t we be in a bad mood sometimes, too???

The answer is yes, we can, but we pay for it. So, when you feel yourself slipping into any of these states, it’s time to make self-care – taking care of yourself – a priority. This can be as simple as stepping outside to breathe some fresh air, calling a kind friend, or shutting yourself in the bathroom for a few minutes to just sit and breathe. What’s important is that you hit pause, and build in some space to connect with your inner self, feel your feelings, and widen your perspective.

What are your favorite ways to practice self-care?

I highly recommend making a list of what gives you joy, peace, energy, and fresh perspective. Post it somewhere you look often as a reminder – inside a cabinet or drawer, on a mirror in the bathroom, on a wall…wherever works for you. That way, when you are feeling low and your energy is spent, you can remind yourself of an easy way to turn things around and feel better.

 

Photo by Green Chameleon on Unsplash

Here are some of my favorite ways to practice self-care:

  • Scheduling and going on a walk with a friend
  • Picking up a book and reading a few pages or a chapter
  • Asking for help – from your kids, a partner, babysittters, family, friends, neighbors, teens, services…
  • Doing a ten-minute meditation using the tenpercenthappier app
  • Doing something I love like painting, playing an instrument, baking, working in my garden, making something creative (This can involve your kids or be a solo activity, depending on what you need.)
  • Listening to part or all of a podcast
  • Putting on music that makes me feel happy or inspired
  • Saying yes to a spontaneous idea of something fun
  • Cuddling with one of my kids on the couch (If you have teens – try lying on the couch and leave some space next to you. You might be surprised by how they’ll come lie next to you because it’s such an unusual sight)
  • Hugging someone for longer than the usual hug and just breathing and enjoying the feeling of closeness (You might have to ask for a hug and let the person know you need an extra long one)
  • Taking a class about something that interests me
  • Going somewhere new for a walk, hike or visiting a new place
  • Making a delicious hot drink or snack for myself

Need help figuring out a plan for self-care?

If you’re stuck, feeling parent burnout, and need some help giving your self permission for self-care, or find a certain time of the day especially hard to take, schedule a Clarity Call with me. We’ll come up with some ideas together that can work for you. I received a wonderful email from a client yesterday, who wrote to tell me that playing a Bon Jovi song super loud in the morning was helping her boys get their coats and shoes on in a much more pleasant and funny way. We had brainstormed this idea of adding music to an annoying time of the day in our parent coaching session. She and her husband couldn’t believe how well it was working. I’ve been smiling just thinking about this scene since I received her email.

Another parent I helped wrote back to me to share what was helping her feel less depleted. Scroll down to see what she wrote. (It’s long so I added it at the end.)

Sometimes self-care is reaching out and brainstorming with someone how to make a tricky part of your day more enjoyable. 

 

Photo of my desk with my word and symbol from last year

Is there a word that would help you stay on track with taking care of yourself?

Every year, I lead a workshop to help people figure out their “Word of the Year.” This is a word that can serve as a touchstone word that keeps you on track. Some of the themes that emerged this year were:

  • nourishing oneself and others
  • releasing habits
  • stepping into one’s power and flow.

What is my word for the year?

This year, I want to focus on more creative expression through art, writing, cooking, and gardening. I also want to make life choices that align with my top values and priorities. Being more clear on my boundaries is another goal I have. When I used my own “Word_of_the_Year_Clarity_Creator“ to figure out which word was really my word for this new year, I realized that if I didn’t set boundaries on my time, I wouldn’t make time for alignment or creativity. So my word of the year is “Boundaries.”

I’ve been using this word to test it out, and so far, the results are powerful. I’ve used it for self-care: I’ve done three paintings, written a few times, and said no to a few opportunities that came my way in in order to stay aligned with my priorities. And I’ve used it with parenting: When I was about to clean up the kitchen myself and felt irritation rising within me because it wasn’t my mess, I thought “Boundaries.” First, I thought about what I wanted, then took a deep breath went upstairs to ask my teens to all come help clean up the kitchen together so that I could make dinner. I was clear, kind, and direct. We put on some music and all pitched in for 10 minutes and I felt much better.

If figuring out a touchstone word interests you, I highly recommend setting aside an hour for yourself and going through this Word_of_the_Year_Clarity_Creator. You may download it for free by clicking that link. I’ve been getting great feedback from friends who have used it and hope you enjoy this step of self-care, too!

Let me know what works for you!

I encourage you to send me an email or reply in the comments to share your top ways of taking care of yourself and your word of the year. I love hearing from my readers and sharing ideas. See if some self-care can work as an antidote to parent burnout for you, too!

Here’s what one client wrote:

“You asked what I’m doing for self-care. To get myself out of depletion and burnout, I started to think of self-care along various parallel lines that reinforce one another. I need to address several of them in some way:
  • Nutritional health – I was extremely low on several blood test markers, so you have to eat right and drink. Learning to drink 8+ glasses of water a day was life-changing. I discovered I had been chronically dehydrated. Drinking 8-10 cups water has been a huge game changer and has help me stay awake and alert.
  • Physical health – Have to move and ideally get fresh air. Started taking 5 min out of every hour to walk, run up and down steps.
  • Social health – Talk to someone other than your family once a day, someone who does not drain your energy.
  • Find ways for creative expression- any kind!
  • Connection – with spouse, kids, friends
  • Spiritual practice – meditation, even minimal, 5 min of slow breathing, get insight timer at night, disconnect
  • Disconnect from technology for even a short time! (AND: allow yourself technology zone-out time if you need it.)
  • Gratitude, force yourself to name something that is working.
  • Identify one thing you can do for yourself that day and commit to it like your life depends on it. (When I am exhausted/ depleted, it is very difficult to feel any kind of happiness or joy, so finding spots of joy is something that needs to be practiced, as you have reminded me many times). Building up physical, mental, and emotional strength after a period of depletion takes several months, but it does happen!
It’s interesting, when I was at my low point, it was impossible to read anything for fun, my brain just wouldn’t engage. All I wanted to do was watch YouTube and TV in my free time.
We must acknowledge that sometimes we can only take the smallest of steps (day after day after day) to build up our sanity. But over time, even 10 min a day can make a world of difference. Thank you for reminding me to take care of myself.”
Julia, Mom of two in Montclair, NJ, added with her permission

Make your list of self-care ideas and share it in the comments!

When we share ideas, we all benefit. I look forward to hearing your tips and tricks to work through parent burnout and embrace more self-care. Make sure you carve out some time for yourself each day. You will feel more joy and energy, and your whole family will benefit, too.

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash


Who I serve: I coach parents from coast to coast in the US and internationally.  Thanks to Zoom, I am currently coaching parents from Boston to Seattle, Connecticut to California, as well as New York, Ohio, and Colorado. I’ve worked with parents in Bermuda, Japan, Portugal, and Canada as well. I’m grateful for these global and domestic connections!