HOW ARE YOU SLEEPING?

Do you relate to any of these comments I’ve heard from friends and clients, and uttered myself?

“I’m not sleeping well, but I can’t stop reading the news before I go to bed. That’s my only time to catch up on the world.”

“My teenager is going to bed late and having trouble getting up every day. Is that normal?”

“I feel like I need more sleep than I used to. Is this because I have the opportunity or because I’m feeling stressed?”

Shifting Sleep Schedules

Many of us are enjoying the freedom to create new sleep schedules based on our family’s needs and new school start times. Others have to get up even earlier in order to get some work done before our kids wake up, which can lead to exhaustion. Sometimes family activities keep younger children up past their normal bedtime and then it’s harder to get them in bed.

We are in a time of transition, so it’s a good opportunity to test things out and reflect to see what’s working and what’s not and then adjust accordingly. Look at each day as a new day to make things better or keep good things going. Prioritize sleep so that you have the bandwidth to reflect and recalibrate when necessary.

SLEEP is the magic potion that can heal depression, anxiety, self-criticism, short-tempers, overwhelm, overeating, and a host of other negative feelings and experiences. It’s free and it will do you a world of good!

Try getting enough sleep for a few nights and see how you feel. When I am feeling irritable, overwhelmed or out of sorts, going to bed earlier is usually the best way to feel better the next day. Give yourself permission to sleep and your whole family will thank you!

FOR ADULTS AND KIDS:

Get enough sleep. Everyone is different, but most adults need 6-8 hours of sleep a night. If you know your kids are going to wake up at 6am, go to bed by 10 or 10:30pm so that you can wake up feeling rested. Reserve staying up to do extra work, watch a movie or clean the house for 1-2 nights a week. Of course we all want some quiet time to ourselves at the end of the day, but sleep will restore your energy like nothing else.

Avoid activities that will disrupt your sleep. Don’t read the news right before bed. Avoid alcohol, which can make you feel sleepy at first, but then wake you up. Don’t drink caffeinated tea or lots of liquids before bed. Avoid watching intense movies or looking at a screen (for play or work) right before bed.

Develop relaxing habits before bed. Read, talk, draw, paint, meditate, say prayers, listen to calming music or an audiobook, put one thing in order (a drawer, desk or surface), or make a list of what’s on your mind and then let it go.

Model good habits for your children. If you need help, set a reminder or ask someone in your household to remind you of your commitment to go to sleep earlier and more peacefully.

If you wake up in the night, practice self-compassion. Many of us have some nights when we can’t sleep, sometimes due to worries, or waking children, or just random things that wake us. On these nights, it’s best to find ways to soothe yourself as you would a child or friend, and then be more gentle with yourself the next day.

FOR PARENTS OF YOUNGER CHILDREN:

Nap if needed. You may have a baby waking to nurse or a child coming to you for comfort, which makes sleeping through the night difficult. If that’s the case, give yourself permission to take a 20-60 minute nap during the day if possible. If you are fortunate enough to have another adult or a responsible teen living with you, talk about this plan, and when you feel yourself getting sleepy, communicate with the other adult or the kids and go lie down. Put on a noisemaker or insert earplugs, set an alarm, and then focus on your breathing until you drift off. You will feel much better after a nap.

If you can’t take a nap, at least lie down and rest with your children when you can. You can suggest quiet activities – looking at books, coloring, listening to a story or music, or having your child be the nurse taking care of you while you rest. Putting your feet up at the same level as your heart for even 10 minutes will give you a boost of energy.

Maintain your child’s nap or quiet time schedule. If this has slipped, remember that you can always re-establish it. Choose a date, make the boundaries clear, and help your child have that quiet time each day. You can also establish a regular family quiet time where everyone must rest and relax for a period of time.

If you have a child with older siblings, be careful to honor that child’s need for an earlier bedtime. You will have a happier child the next day, even though it can feel inconvenient.

FOR PARENTS OF TEENS:

Teens have a variety of sleep needs and preferences. Figure out what your teen needs to do and talk about a sleep schedule that will make sense with your teen. Some of them have on-line school starting at 8:30am and others are going to school some days each week. Some have jobs or are caring for younger siblings. Many of them feel a sense of loss from missing activities, friends, and special events they have been looking forward to for years, so if they want to talk with friends late at night and have nothing special to get up for, it’s hard for them to get up. Talk with your teen to figure out a schedule that works for both of you. Test out the ideas they come up with and then adjust as needed.

Recognize that this is a unique opportunity for teens to “practice” being in charge of their schedules while still living at home with you. It’s very hard to let go, but giving them a chance to determine how they use their days can be a good exercise in learning self-determination. So many kids have highly programmed lives filled with school, sports, activities, and extra classes that they have little chance to have to figure out what to do with themselves. This unusual pandemic situation is giving them that opportunity. Set some limits, but show flexibility and openness as well.

If your teen is sleeping during the day and up all night, something needs to change. Sometimes our teens need our help when their choices become unhealthy or dangerous. We need to be aware of what they are doing online and help them to engage with their family if they are not doing that already.

Figure out a few key requirements for your teen and hold to those requirements. Our family’s daily requirements currently are: get up by X o’clock (different for each child based on needs)/ attend all of your classes/ participate in family chores/ stay on top of your work/ do at least 20 minutes of physical exercise/ join in family dinner several times a week/ communicate your needs. We are discussing these weekly and adjusting as necessary. Figure out what your minimum requirements are and then let your teens have some freedom to choose the other parts of their day. The goal is to prioritize your relationship with your teen and to maintain peace and health.

What are your sleep goals?

What are your family’s daily requirements?

What do you need to sleep well and feel refreshed each day? 

Let me know in the comments or send me an email at amy@amybehrens.com. Need help getting your family back on track? Schedule a Clarity Call.

Who I serve: I coach parents from coast to coast in the US and internationally.  Thanks to Zoom, I am currently coaching parents from Boston to Seattle, Connecticut to California, as well as New York, Ohio, and Colorado. I’ve worked with parents in Bermuda, Japan, Portugal, and Canada as well. I’m grateful for these global and domestic connections!