How does acceptance – acceptance of the current moment –  help you get what you want? Don’t we have to keep striving and pushing to get what we want? 

That certainly is what social norms often teach us. However, learning to practice acceptance of the “as is” is a much more effective way to greater peace and happiness. 

Why? 

Carl Jung, the great Swiss psychiatrist stated that “what you resist not only persists, but will grow in size.” 

This means that if we dig in and resist what life presents us with, whether it be a screaming child or an obstinate teenager, we are likely to get more of that behavior that is upsetting us. We might resist by yelling, getting more controlling, or entering a power struggle. When we focus on the behavior we don’t want, we unconsciously “fertilize it” with our attention. We often then feel bad for how we acted, too, which only adds to our suffering. 

So, what’s a more effective approach? 

Acceptance of the “as is” actually helps us move towards our desired outcomes more effectively. 

Acceptance is the opposite of resistance. What might happen if instead of resisting the unpleasant feelings we have in response to a situation, we accepted them? Instead of focusing on what we don’t want, we focus on being present with those feelings, and then move forward with a more collaborative plan. We can align with the energy of the moment and work with our child to find a positive solution to meet both of our needs. 

What does acceptance look like? 

You don’t need to give up on getting your kids out the door to school or making your child turn off the iPad or take out the trash. Instead, you accept what is happening in the moment as information. You connect with your child and accept their feelings on the way to meeting both of your needs. This approach (outlined below) invites peace and cooperation, as well as growth. 

The famous psychologist Carl Rogers said, 

“We cannot change, we cannot move away from what we are, until we thoroughly accept what we are. Then change seems to come about almost unnoticed.” 

When we accept ourselves and others as they are, we and they will gradually change on their own. This relates to attachment as well, as I wrote about in my blog about the dance of attachment.

To practice acceptance, use your presence to connect with the other person – baby, child, teen or adult – and accept how both of you are feeling and acting as information about the “as is.” Instead of non-acceptance or judging, get curious and connect. 

Sometimes simply stating aloud what each person wants and asking your child for ideas can shift the energy and outcome.

Learn five simple steps to practice acceptance.

You will feel more calm, effective, and connected as you create greater cooperation in your family. PLACE yourself in the moment to practice acceptance. I came up with the acronym of PLACE to help you remember these steps. PLACE: Pause, Look, Acknowledge, Connect, Explore.  Let go of your controlling energy by accepting things as they are.

Want a reminder sheet to look at? Download and print out this PLACE POSTER I co-created with my intern Cara Chow.

Here are the PLACE steps I practice myself and share with my coaching clients:

PAUSE

Assuming there is no imminent danger such as a child running into a street, pause to take a breath and step back mentally to see the bigger situation – What is the larger context?

LOOK

Within – What am I feeling? What do I need and want right now?

From the other’s perspective – What is that person feeling, needing, wanting? What do I need to find out from that person?

ACKNOWLEDGE & ASK

Acknowledge, allow and accept both of your experiences – without judgment.

Ask yourself, “What is most important right now?” Ground yourself in your values and priorities.

CONNECT

Connect with clarity and kindness.

Collaborate to find a solution if you can or set the boundary and proceed with the next steps.

EXPLORE

Later, when you have had some space, explore what happened to glean awareness and learning for the future, either on your own or with the other person.

Try these steps out and let me know what you discover. As Tara Brach writes in her powerful book, Radical Acceptance:

“Clearly recognizing what is happening inside us, and regarding what we see with an open, kind and loving heart, is what I call Radical Acceptance.” 

Parenting is a journey of opening our hearts and learning about acceptance. I invite you to use these daily moments of conflict that arise from resistance to “what is” to explore and learn about yourself, your child and the other people in your life. If you need support to find your way along this journey, schedule a Clarity Call with me. We will work together to unravel tense moments and find greater peace.

Download and print out the PLACE POSTER  if you want some reminders.

Want to keep reading? Check out these related blogs: 

The Dance of Attachment – How to Be a Good Parent 

The Four C’s of Conscious Parenting – Calm, Clear, Connect, Collaborate

Who I serve: I coach parents from coast to coast in the US and internationally.  Thanks to Zoom, I am currently coaching parents from Boston to Seattle, Connecticut to California, as well as New York, Ohio, and Colorado. I’ve worked with parents in Bermuda, Japan, Portugal, and Canada as well. I’m grateful for these global and domestic connections!