Want to inspire independence during this school transition time?

Invite dependence and offer support. 

Sound like a paradox? How does this work? When our kids feel safe and seen with us and know they can get the help they need, they feel more secure and able to explore. This allows them to do their work of growing up. They don’t have to worry about who they can depend on for support when they need it, so they can focus on learning new things and gaining new skills.

As we enter another school transition and season, it’s easy to get caught up in our worries about our kids. This blog will help you take a deep breath and feel more trusting that nature is on our side and will help our children mature as we offer our support and love.

If you missed the first two blogs of this “How to Be a Good Parent” series, check them out here:

Next in the series: Part 4: Act as Your Child’s Compass Point

Part 3 of “How to Be a Good Parent”: Invite Dependence and Offer Support

Inviting dependence feels easier to do when our children are very young because society condones that. We open our arms to carry our children, hug them when they are sad or scared, and tuck them into bed at night. As they get older, societal messages tell us to focus on independence. We fear inviting regression, but can wind up pushing our kids towards dependence on their peers if they don’t feel they can depend on us.

Gordon Neufeld and Gabriel Maté (the authors who inspired me to write this series) remind us that nature is there as our ally.

“Independence is the fruit of maturation; our job in raising children is to look after their dependence needs. When we do our job of meeting genuine dependence needs, nature is free to do its job of promoting maturity. In the same way, we don’t need to make our children grow taller; we just need to give them food. By forgetting that growth, development and maturation are natural processes, we lose perspective. We become afraid that our children will get stuck and never grow up.” (p. 188) Hold On To Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers

However, “there is no shortcut to independence. The only way to become independent is through being dependent.”(p. 189)

So what does inviting dependence look like in real life?

Inviting dependence looks like offering genuine ways of supporting your child and being ok with them taking you up on that support some of the time and rejecting that support at other times (Part 2 of this series). This requires a certain level of steadiness and detachment from the outcome on the part of the parent. We need to be there, offering a place of unconditional love while trusting our kids to do their work of maturation.

Be Like a Tree

You can build your parental resilience by thinking of yourself as your favorite tree. You are able to bend and blow with the winds of your child’s needs and moods, but are strongly rooted in the earth of your own clarity, connection and confidence.

As we enter a new season, we see leaves changing and wind blowing through them, but the trees keep standing strong.

Getting clear on your core values and strengthening your connection with your children builds resilience. This is a big part of my coaching work with parents.

Children’s behavior can bring up old wounds, fears, and unpleasant experiences from our own childhood. Learning to tune into our own patterns and anchor ourselves in our inner wisdom helps us become more resilient, like strong trees.

Together, we work to grow the mindful awareness and strategies needed to be able to be there to support our kids when they need us and let go when they need to explore.

Here are some of the messages we can send, both through our words and our actions, to invite healthy dependence:

  • “I’m here if you need me.”
  • “Would you like help with that? I’m happy to help.”
  • “I know you can … If you decide you’d like a hand, I’m here.”
  • “Want to think through a plan together?”
  • “What’s your next step? I’m here if you need help.”

Will I “spoil” my child? 

Some of us may fear “spoiling” our children by inviting dependence. During this school transition time, we want our kids to be able to grow up and be more independent. However, we can do helpful things for our children in a non-forceful way that gives our children support AND the freedom to figure things out, thereby helping them “ripen” in a healthy way. This is different than doing things for them because we think they can’t or won’t. We are merely offering our support in a kind and friendly way. They know we have their backs and that we believe in them.

You might think of a favorite teacher or person who made you feel safe and loved. You knew you could go to that person for help and that they believed you could do the work you needed to do to learn. They helped create an environment that met your needs and made you feel seen, heard and supported.

invite dependence - school transitions

Ideally, we watch from the side and keep our mouths shut to let our kids feel the freedom they need to explore and learn independently, even though we are right there. Then we lean in and offer support in a non-judgmental and light-hearted way when they need help – avoiding “I told you so” or “I knew that would happen.” No one needs shaming when learning. When we are there for them, listening fully, they can relax and feel closer to us. They feel safe. And they are more likely to let us know what they need in the future.

Reach out if you want support.

If you need to feel understood, seen and supported as you navigate parenting and school transitions, schedule a Clarity Call with me.

You’ll experience a safe place where you can unpack some of the parental baggage you are carrying, gain perspective, and co-creatively design next steps that best fit you and your family.

We all have unique needs and styles of being. It feels good to have someone in your court to help you connect the dots, stay strong, and learn to bend and trust as your children grow up. Your children will thank you for focusing on this dance of attachment with them through their love and connection to you. And you’ll have more fun along the way, too!

Need to prepare for a parent teacher conference? Check out my tips in this blog.

And here are some great tips on what to do if you think your child’s teacher is a bad fit from a Wall Street Journal article I contributed to during last year’s school transition.

Want to learn more tips for connecting with your child and supporting healthy maturation? Check out the other blogs of this series:

  Connect with your child through the dance of attachment

   Be the side of the swimming pool 

  Act as the North Star for your child


Who I serve: I coach parents from coast to coast in the US and internationally.  Thanks to Zoom, I am currently coaching parents from Boston to Seattle, Connecticut to California, as well as New York, Ohio, and Colorado. I’ve worked with parents in Bermuda, Japan, Portugal, and Canada as well. I’m grateful for these global and domestic connections!