We are now starting to adjust to the new normal of “homeschooling” and working at home, in order to practice social distancing. We know we are doing our essential part to slow the spread of the coronavirus COVID-19 afflicting our planet, and it’s not easy.
You might be feeling grief and anger over losing your normal pattern of life along with anxiety about how long this will last. Depression over the economy or thoughts about how hard it can be to parent while working at home may be taking over your thinking. You may be balancing work and parenting, or you may be used to solo-parenting most of the time, and now you are dealing with your partner working at home and needing space and quiet, which can be hard to find in a busy household!
We are all balancing uncertainty and change while trying to offer reassurance and safety to our kids in the midst of a situation that is new to us, too. It’s hard, especially without the social outlets we used to have in our lives. So, how do we lift ourselves up when we are feeling blue and anxious?
I’ve talked with a number of parents this week who are feeling these difficult emotions. We’ve been able to turn things around and walk away from our calls with both of us feeling energized and excited, so I’d like to share some strategies I’ve come up with to meet the needs of parents and caregivers. You can try them on your own, with a friend, or with me. I’d love to hear which ideas and practices help you the most.
Turning things around
Fortunately, there are many effective ways to lift those feelings so that you have more energy to enjoy the positive aspects of this time.
Focus on the Present Moment
One of the best ways of moving from the spinning of your mind to a place of active equilibrium within you is to focus on the present moment. I wrote about some of my favorite mindfulness practices in my post “3 Ways To Lift Your Spirits In Uncertain Times.” In case you missed that post, see below after this new practice.
What Matters Most Right Now?
When you are getting worked up about something – the news, your children, your own feelings of being out-of-synch, pause and breathe and ask yourself, “What matters most right now?” Usually, it’s the relationships in our lives that matter most or the next thing you have to do. Focus on those instead of the mental chatter and big feelings. Pause and connect with the person in front of you or a call away from you. Just be with them, and take in the positives you can notice and appreciate about that person. Then, when you feel less agitated, you can ask for what you need in a kind and specific way. If it doesn’t go over well, sometimes it’s best to let it be and return to what needs to be done later if it’s not urgent.
Example: Let’s say that person is a teenager who just snapped at you, “I didn’t ask to be in this family, so why should I help fold your laundry?” Imagine him as a little boy who just wants to play and do his own thing, and then appreciate the young man he is becoming as you take some deep breaths.
Then ask yourself, “What matters most right now?” That he knows you love him, that he sees his part in your family, and that he shares in the work in the family.
Then you can say, “I know you didn’t choose us, but we are happy you are here. I’ve folded your clothes for many years, and I would love it if you could fold the few items that are mine in this pile. I’ve got a deadline in half an hour that I’m trying to meet, so I’d really appreciate your help.” If he stomps off, just focus on that deadline you need to meet and pick up the discussion again later when you are both calm. Remember that our kids are having a hard time with being at home all the time, too.
And from my blog post “3 Ways To Lift Your Spirits In Uncertain Times”…
I’m sharing these again in brief form in case you missed them:
5-4-3-2-1
On a recent morning walk, a friend shared a “grounding practice” with me that I wanted to share with you. It’s called 5-4-3-2-1.
When you notice you are feeling stressed and anxious, simply pause and breathe as you notice:
5 things you can see
4 things you can feel
3 things you can hear
2 things you can smell
1 thing you can taste
Shades of Green
Pause and notice 5 shades of green as you take 5 deep breaths. You can do this with any color, but green tends to be especially soothing. This is a great one to share with younger children when waiting in a line, taking a walk or cleaning up toys.
Gratitudes and Gifts
When you notice you are caught in a negative spiral, pause… and shift your thoughts to gratitude, and little things that feel like a gift – noticing new buds on the trees, receiving a text from a friend, receiving a spontaneous hug from a child. As you focus on these gratitudes and gifts, hope and perspective return
Try This! Time Block Strategy
Focus on one time block at a time. Splitting your day into time blocks can help you feel more control and relief. One idea I came up with for a parent I spoke with yesterday was to write out on Post-It Notes the parts of each day. These will be different for each person and some of them can be combined. You can then make a chart that allows you to move the sticky notes around each day for flexibility. You can keep it simple or make it more complex, depending on what works for you.
For parents of younger children, a schedule is super helpful for keeping everyone happy. They are comforted by familiarity and routine.
For parents of teenagers, I recommend focusing on your own schedule and not worrying about theirs for now. Maybe they will take your cue, or maybe they won’t. What’s most important is that you stay sane and in charge of yourself. You will do more teaching by modeling than by trying to get them to do what you tell them to do. You can select 1-3 requirements such as “You have to get outside and walk/run/play each day” or “You have to read for an hour each day” or “You have to be with the family for a few hours a day” but to avoid power struggles, keep it basic for now. For many of them, online learning from their schools will start soon if they haven’t already, which will help. More on that next week…
If you like this Time Block idea, you might create Post-Its in these categories:
Meals: Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner
Self-Care: Meditation, Showering/Getting Dressed, Exercise, Being Outside
Caring for Others: Checking in, Playing, Crafting, Cooking, Baking with My Kids (good to have a few blocks of these)
Responsibilities: Work Time (might need a few blocks of these)
Service: Calling friends, Delivering something, Organizing a virtual gathering
Learning Something New: can be anything!
Free Choice: Fun, Naps, Bed Time, etc. These will depend on how old your kids are, how much help you have (if any), and your roles in the family and at work.
Bedtime Rituals: Baths, Reading Books, Talking, Sharing gratitudes from the day, Sharing prayers, poems or songs
Sleep
You can either stick these on a wall, a whiteboard, or write them on a piece of paper. For me, I like to make a weekly chart and a daily list that I write out by hand with blocks that vary based on the day. I color code them with a marker which helps me glance quickly at my list and remember what I planned to do during that time. Experiment and see what works best for you! Share ideas with friends or send me an email. We’ll all have plenty of time to practice.
See Mistakes as Opportunities for Growth
We are all going to make mistakes – lose our temper, say something unkind, zone out and then wish we hadn’t used our time that way – and what’s important is how we use those experiences. I always tell my coaching clients that conflicts are opportunities for growth.
We can use the information we gain as data that guides us to act differently the next time. We can look at what led us to behave a certain way, and then attend to our needs that weren’t being met. Maybe we were hungry or tired, or maybe there was too much background noise, or maybe we hadn’t been outside all day, and we just lost our self-control. If we take several deep breaths, apologize, and then own our part and ask for help, we can do better the next time. The “rupture and repair” work we do is super important modeling for our kids. How we handle our mistakes shows them how to handle their mistakes.
One of my favorite parts of the parent coaching work I do is helping parents unpack hard situations and see how to use them for information that paves the way forward. This is how we learn as human beings, and shifting your perspective to a learning stance will give you energy and determination to do better and keep growing.
I hope you all get to go outside today and try one turn-around technique to help yourself feel better. Please share your stories by sending me an email or posting on Facebook. I’d love to hear what is working for you!
Amy
