Teens Need Space AND Connection with You

Sue Shellenbarger from the Wall Street Journal recently interviewed me as a parent coach for an article called “The Perfect Teen Cave.” Preparing for our conversation on how teens need space and connection with parents made me realize that I had much to say on this topic, based on my conversations with my tween and teen and the parents I coach. As parents, we need to embrace the dynamic balance between our children’s need for space away from parents and their need for helpful conversations with us as parents. As teens gain more independence, they benefit from guidance and a sounding board. They need space AND close connection with parents to work through ways to face new challenges and freedoms.

Navigating the path

As a mother of three girls ages 8, 11, and 14, I am continually navigating a path between too much freedom and too much control. We must face our fears as we parent, feeling simultaneously responsible for controlling our children and yet aware that we really have little control over who our children are in their essence and what happens to them over the course of their lives. As parents, we have the illusion of control, but in fact, we are merely their guides along their way. We must learn to support them and allow them to be who they are. Within our homes, we can create physical spaces that mirror this state of being by finding ways to give our children space of their own while staying near enough to check in. As children near middle school, this becomes even more important. Kids need freedom to be on their own to think, create, and gather with peers to socialize. Media and technology play an increasing role as strong sources of information and connection, but they can also be distractions that cause anxiety and depression. Parents need to be aware of what their kids are doing with media and technology so that they can step in when needed.

A Place to Go

Teens are often looking for a place to go, especially when the weather makes it harder to gather in outdoor places. So if you have a child nearing or in middle school, that can be a great time to start creating a space for your child to use when friends come over to hang out together. Repurposing existing spaces or creating new ones can become a fun family project. Having your child’s friends hang out at your house allows you to get to know your child’s friends and to be able to have conversations with them. Talk with your child about what atmosphere you both would like to have in your family’s home so that expectations are clear to everyone. Ideas about ideal settings can change as your child becomes a teen, so it’s good to keep up these conversations over time. Having a teen space at home offers your teen an alternative to the sometimes rowdy behavior and situations that happen in town centers on early-release school days – something my girls have experienced. It’s great to be able to offer small groups of friends an alternative space that is more relaxed and fun. I want my kids’ friends to be in my house so that I can get to know them and what they are doing so that I am not left to wonder. If they are here, I know them, and I feel connected to them.

Expanding Circles

As kids meet new friends in middle school, their circles expand and the number of kids they want to have over can increase, making it helpful to have places other than their bedroom to hang out, especially if that bedroom is shared with a sibling. Teens feel more relaxed when they have a space less personal than a bedroom to invite friends, which can be even more important when they start having friends of different genders gather together.

Laying the Ground Rules

Creating a space for teens in your home makes them feel like you care about them. Lay out some ground rules and expectations together ahead of time to help avoid conflict and allow for problem-solving together. Some conversation starters with your teen could be: What do we want this space to look like before and after your friends come over? When is it ok to use this space? What would make this space feel good to you and your friends? How much noise is ok? What do you do if a friend is acting disrespectfully in the space? What clean up is expected?

Want help on HOW to have these conversations?

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