Ask any parent about the trickiest times of the day, and you’ll hear about mornings, getting ready for school, afternoons, and bedtime. Moods can swing and conflicts can pop up at a moment’s notice. These are those transitional times when we are trying to get our kids to do something that they may not want to do. And, we’re trying to stick to a schedule they didn’t choose and may not like. Of course we will face some resistance! 

So, how do we develop approaches that can smooth out those tricky times and teach our kids the skills they need to start school strong?   

Back to school children tugging on a rope in a field in the fall. Start school strong!

I’ve gathered key ideas from my parent coaching conversations and blogs to share with you for inspiration. You can write down the ideas that speak to you and post them inside a cabinet or on your bathroom mirror. Use them as a reminder when you get stuck and need a key to open up smoother transition times for your family. Try these ideas out to start your school year strong!

What’s included in this collection of ideas to start school strong:

TRICKY TIMES OF THE DAY

  • Morning wake up
  • Get ready for school & activities
  • After school connection
  • Bedtime

IT’S ALL IN HOW YOU DO IT

  • Validate and support (don’t fix)
  • Vitamin C: Connect & Communicate
  • Lighten up and get perspective
  • Focus on fun

If you’d like to download these tips so that you can print them out, click here.

Try these ideas out to feel more connected and at peace with your children and teens.

TIPS FOR TRICKY TIMES OF THE DAY

Morning wake up to start school strong:

  • Start the day right with connection and love.
  • If your child is not waking up on his or her own, wake them in a warm and friendly way. 
  • Use nature to help wake your child. Open the blinds or curtains and the window to let in some fresh air. Let your child have a few moments to wake up on their own. Consider leaving for a few minutes and then coming back.
  • Show affection and kindness.
  • Do something together if you can. Have breakfast together, read a book, sit and talk for a few minutes, quietly stroke their hair, face or arm for a few minutes if they like that.
Asian mother talking to young son in white bed

Get ready for school & activities: 

  • Be clear, concise, and direct in both questions and directives. 
  • Body double/ accompany your child to get things rolling and then ease off. 
  • Break tasks down into smaller tasks if there is resistance. One thing at a time. 
  • Be specific about what you need/want when you make requests. 
  • Keep the train moving when possible. 
  • Show more than tell. 
  • Offer specific praise for tasks done well or thoughtfully.

After school connection

  • Welcome your child(ren) home with warmth and connection. Avoid being on your phone or distracted. Give them your full attention for 15 minutes. 
  • If your child is in a bad mood, offer to listen or give them space and honor what they choose.
  • Ask them to share three things about their day.
  • If they are quiet
    • Who did you…?
    • What did you…?
    • When did you…?

Jumpstart conversation cards – download them from the home page of my website

Bedtime:

Establish routines:

  • 4 T’s – teeth, toilet, tomorrow, together (brush your teeth, go to the toilet, lay out your clothes for tomorrow, have a short chat /read a book/ sing a song/ offer something to dream about together)
  • 5 P’s – plan, prepare, polish, PJs, pee (plan your outfit, prepare your backpack, polish your teeth, put on your PJs, pee or poo as needed)

Connect:

  • If your child or teen seems to get wound up right before bedtime, you are not alone! Often this is a bid for connection before going to sleep. If you can give your full attention and play or talk for 10 minutes, then you can move more easily towards bedtime. 

Create wind-down cues: 

  • Lower lights, put on soft music, read a book aloud, offer a long hug or a cuddle.
  • Use your own voice and energy to create calm feelings. 

Count to help build self-regulation with younger children:

  • If you’re getting annoyed, you can try 1,2,3 Magic by counting to let your child know they are getting close to losing a privilege. Talk about what will happen if they get to “3.” “It’s time to get out of the bath. You’re on 1. If we get to three, you will lose a book / I will lift you out/ we’ll have less time for talking. Please get out of the bath.”

IT’S ALL IN HOW YOU DO IT

Validate and support (don’t fix):

At night, children often share stories from the day that bubble up in their minds as they start to relax. Here are some tips to help you listen and keep things moving towards bedtime.

  • Listen and empathize:
    • It sounds like…
    • I’m sorry that…
    • That must’ve been…
    • Did you feel…?
    • Do you need a hug?
  • Stay with your child’s story and do your best to leave out your own similar story from your past at this moment.
    • Focus on their experience.
    • Try to avoid sharing your own stories. You can offer to share a story if one comes up, but let them choose whether they want to hear it right then.
  • Consider offering a summary, perhaps counting on your fingers to name each part to make sure you got everything (“Ok, so let me get this straight. This happened, and that happened, then you felt, and you wished that…”)
  • Name feelings and ask for clarity if you are confused.
  • Identify and name basic needs. (“What did you need when your teacher/friend/bus driver said that? (Listen) Ah, so you needed consideration and respect.”)
  • Help the child formulate a specific request or next step if that seems appropriate. (“So, what’s your next step to let your friend know how you feel and what you need?”)
  • Let your child know that you can keep talking about the situation another day.
  • Take notes if your child seems unsatisfied that anything will be resolved and needs to know that you are listening and taking the situation seriously. 

Vitamin C: Connect and Communicate

  • All children and teens need connection in order to feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure. These feelings help their brains, bodies, and spirits to grow and mature. Kids are far more likely to cooperate when they feel connected with you and other people in their lives. Our style of communication also helps children feel connected with us. 
  • Here are some tips to keep in mind:
    • Connect, then redirect when you need to shift what a child is doing. 
    • Keep your communication around tasks simple. Use directives free of any judgment. Just state the basic facts of what needs to happen.
      • Shoes off, hands clean, backpack unpacked
      • Water bottle in sink, lunch on counter, papers out
    • Say what you want a child to DO instead of “Don’t…” Children often hear the last words of what you say and need to know what you WANT them to do. Compare the positive power of “Please give your sister a turn.” to “Don’t take toys from your sister.”
    • Be positive. Focus on what your child or teen is doing well. Experiment with saying nothing about things you might want to critique and just commenting on positive things. Children will bend towards your kind words like flowers towards the sun. 

Lighten up and get perspective

  • Take a deep breath and bring some calm lightness into your body and mind. We can get bogged down and grumpy ourselves when there’s a lot of pressure to get things done or keep things moving. When you feel yourself contracting, getting irritated, or anxious, it’s time to slow down and breathe. 
  • Focus on what you want to see more of from your child and let go of the irritations. Keeping the peace goes a long way towards making things happen in a timely way. 
  • Widen your lens to see the big picture. Take a mental step back and see a bigger view so that you can focus on what is most important. 

Focus on fun

  • Our kids need to know that we are not just focused on getting things done, and that we like to have fun with them. Our interactions can become transactional during the school week as we focus on getting everyone fed, out the door, to activities and into baths and bedtime. There is a lot to get done, which is hard for everyone.
  • Make sure that we also have sweet times of just enjoying being together without trying to get our kids to do anything, even if it’s just for 10-15 minutes at a stretch. 
  • Make sure that some of your conversation is about something they find interesting – maybe music or sports or art or nature, or clothes or games… Let them know that you want to hear what interests them. Ask each other questions, and enjoy the pleasure of knowing each other and just being together.

If you’d like to download these tips so that you can print them out, click here.

Want a deeper dive to start school strong?

Click on one of my selected blogs below.

Plants growing on a windowsill in a grey pot.

Grab some post-its to write down a few ideas you want to try with your family. This practice will help you internalize the ideas and actually put them into use. Because we live in a fast-paced world, it helps to slow down and focus on 1-3 ideas at a time. Then you can test them out, and see what works for your family. You can always return for more ideas later.

5 Blogs to ease the back to school transition:

Teenaged boys playing on a playground.

Strike a Balance for the New School Year – helpful tips on how to ease stress and navigate any bumps along the way. Focus on emotional, social, and physical balance to ensure connection & cooperation.

From End-of-Summer Blahs to New Season Excitement – mindset shifts that generate energy

Four Ways to Ease into the School Year – how to be present, use your stress for good, listen, and model good self-care

Offer Support to Inspire Growth – learn how allowing your child to depend on you helps create more independence

Tips for Parent Conferences – try this “sandwich” approach to ensure good parent teacher conversations


Who I serve: I coach parents from coast to coast in the US and internationally.  Thanks to Zoom, I am currently coaching parents from Boston to Seattle, Connecticut to California, as well as New York, Ohio, and Colorado. I’ve worked with parents in Bermuda, Japan, Portugal, and Canada as well. I’m grateful for these global and domestic connections!