What you do and how you live your daily life matters more than you realize. As a Zen proverb says, “How you do anything is how you do everything.”
By focusing on being present, maintaining parental balance, and being your best self, you are raising children you will enjoy as adults. It can be hard to maintain your parental balance when life is tiring and difficult, and our children challenge us to grow. They may resist you in the moment – not wanting to go to bed, play with a sibling, do homework, or help out with cleaning up. However, they are absorbing how you respond to them and they learn through your example.
When you practice parental balance in the following seven ways, you are providing powerful instruction for living a happy life.
- Take good care of yourself.
- Model what you want to see in your children.
- Look, listen and be present.
- Let go of the “shoulds” and respond to needs.
- Focus on what matters most.
- Streamline your days.
- Allow for spacious downtime to recharge.
- TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF.: When you are happy, rested, and calm, you can handle the ups and downs of life better. Your energy and example lead your family. You and your children will feel more balance when you include yourself in your circle of care.
Your mood can guide your family into more playfulness and peace. Periodically ask yourself, “What do I need right now?” when you are feeling low, and then make a plan to meet some of those needs. Do something fun (with or without your kids), schedule in time with friends, take a nap, hire a babysitter, swap kid-time with a friend so that each of you gets a little break. Check out these blogs for ideas to reduce parent burnout and guidance towards heart-led freedom in parenting.
- MODEL WHAT YOU WANT TO SEE in your children. “Be the change you want to see in the world.” Interestingly, this is quote often attributed to Gandhi, but he actually said, “If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change.” Our children learn from our example and our behavior shapes our environment.
As my own children enter their late teens and twenties, I am continually moved and amazed by how much they have internalized many of my ways of being. We laugh together now over how they resisted and disagreed with me in their early teen years on ideas they now incorporate into their lives (like the importance of sleep, exercise, and healthy food to feel good). Maturity and independence bring the freedom to choose how to be, and our children carry our examples into their lives as they grow up.
“Amy reminds me to pay attention to and move toward what lights me up and what makes me feel most alive. This helps me to focus on what is most important in my life.” A.S., parent of two teens in Newton, MA
- LOOK, LISTEN and BE PRESENT: See the child in front of you, not who you think they should be. Questions to ask yourself include:
- What does my child need right now?
- What do I observe?
- What is my child telling me?
- What is my child doing well?
- How can I offer acknowledgment and encouragement?
When we truly listen to our children, and reflect back what we hear to check for understanding, our children feel seen and heard and trust us more. We create a sense of balance between parent and child.
- LET GO OF THE “SHOULDS” and RESPOND TO NEEDS. Ask yourself, “What does my child really need right now? What is my child concerned about?” Avoid judging and accept what is.
Let go of worries about how others might judge you or your child and listen to your inner wisdom. When you care about your child’s needs and attend to them, your child will feel loved and connected to you. You are more likely to receive spontaneous hugs and words of affection AND your child is more likely to cooperate in pleasant ways.
“Amy helped us navigate through a really turbulent time and brought back a sense of delight of being with our son. He is now less whiny, better at coping with emotions, and more self-directed and we are calmer and more confident in our approach to parenting, which makes all of us feel happier to be together.” Jennifer C and Simon M, Cambridge, MA., parents of a young boy
- FOCUS ON WHAT MATTERS MOST : Ask yourself when you are getting stressed, “What is most important right now?” Let go of the little things and keep the big picture and your priorities in mind.
We can get lost in the “trees” of what is happening and feel confused, ambivalent or impulsive. If we can take a step back for an aerial view, we can see the “forest” and identify what really matters. Then we can let go of the distractions and focus on what matters most. We need a balance between the little things and the big picture.
Learn how to use the power of asking yourself “What is most important right now?”
- STREAMLINE YOUR DAYS. Identify the tricky parts of your day and find ways to make things easier. Develop routines and clear expectations. Then, focus on accompanying your child in a warm way and being simple and specific about requests. This approach will increase cooperation and connection.
Click here to read and download “How to Transform Tricky Times of the Day with your Child” for specific helpful ideas about handling mornings, afternoons, and bedtime.
- ALLOW FOR SPACIOUS DOWNTIME. We all need downtime when we are not on technological devices to just “be.” You can spend that time in nature, doing art or making something you enjoy, taking a nap, or laying on a couch looking out a window.
When we give ourselves and our children space and time to play, create, and do things with our hands and bodies, we feel a sense of balance and aliveness. Simply going outside, no matter what the weather, and looking up at the trees and the sky or at the earth, plants, and animals, brings us fresh perspective and greater peace.
For quick reference, here are the blogs referenced above:
Feeling Parent Burnout? Time for Self-Care – Tips for how to integrate yourself into your circle of care
Heart-led Freedom in Parenting – Learn how to check in with yourself as you choose your next steps
Connection Catalysts for Parenting Well: What is most important right now? – Discover the power of simple questions and phrases to reorient your parenting approach.
How to Transform Tricky Times of the Day – Guidelines for mornings, afternoons and evenings as well as powerful ideas to keep in mind throughout each day.
Plus one more you might find useful…
Tips for Parent Conferences – Try this “sandwich” approach to ensure good parent teacher conversations that may be coming up at your child’s school.
