Frustration is an unpleasant feeling that often contains other difficult emotions like anger, irritation, and powerlessness. How do we help ourselves and our kids handle frustration in positive ways? This is a topic that often comes up in my parent coaching sessions and conversations with family and friends, so I wanted to offer some helpful tools to my readers. Learn more about how to practice the following tools below.
- Acknowledge feelings (in yourself and your child/the other person)
- Practice reflective listening.
- Take steps to solve or accept the problem.
Once you can name your feelings and needs and gain perspective, multiple ways forward become clear. Feeling frustrated and need a non-judgmental space to unpack your feelings? Schedule a Clarity Call or bring your situation to your next parent coaching call.
“Amy helped me learn how to forgive myself when I have a hard day and know what to do to change gears, so that I can see what’s happening and regroup more quickly. We walked through scenarios in a realistic way to help me prepare for different responses…I now feel more calm and confident as a parent.” — Lisa C., Brookline, MA, Mom of two boys ages 3 and 4.5
1. Acknowledge feelings
The first step in helping yourself or your child or any person is to acknowledge the feelings you are having and that the other person is having. You can use this strategy with something as simple as wanting your child to eat their food in a different way or as complex as an old pattern you have with another adult.
Questions you can ask yourself:
What patterns do I notice in myself when I am frustrated? (repeating oneself, yelling, moving more forcefully, feeling like exploding…)
Where in my body do I feel frustration? (heat in one’s chest, tingling in the hands, shallower breathing, throat closing…)
Which emotions am I feeling? (naming them will help you start feeling more clear)
What do I want? (both in the short term and in the bigger picture)
What do I really need? (consider broader needs like respect, connection, space, companionship…)
You can ask your child or the other person these same questions when they are showing signs of frustration.
Questions that work well with children (and adults):
What are you feeling right now?
What do you wish was happening? (Fantasizing can help you learn what your child feels and needs and relieves internal pressure for them as they talk.)
What’s most important to you right now?
2. Practice reflective listening
One of the most important ways of showing another person you care about them is to see and hear what they are saying with their non-verbal and verbal communication. Acknowledging what that person is showing and saying is often enough to start resolving a problem and can even elicit cooperation.
For example, let’s say your child or teen is whacking a piece of furniture over and over or starting to yell about something…
- Notice your own feelings and acknowledge them in your own mind, or out loud if that seems helpful. “I am feeling…”
- Make an observation and take a guess at the feeling your child is having. “I see you hitting that chair and am wondering if you are feeling mad that…” or “I hear you raising your voice, so it sounds like you are feeling frustrated.”
- Ask a few questions to learn more. “What is making you mad?” “What do you wish was happening?”
- Reflect back what you have heard and check for understanding. “So it sounds like you wish that … / you don’t want to…/ you feel upset that… Did I get that right? Is there anything more?”
- Offer support. “I get it that you wish that / feel / want … How can I help? Do you want a hug / to squeeze me / to tell your sibling what’s making you mad?”
3. Take steps to solve or accept the problem
Take action.
If there is a simple solution that will solve the problem, take that action. Remove a barrier, make a phone call, do the thing that needs to be done.
Connect and Communicate.
Once you are clear on what you feel and what you need, communicate those feelings and needs to others so that they can respond. Often we have not made our expectations or needs clear to another person and then we are frustrated that they “don’t get it” or don’t do something that seems obvious to us. Once we share our expectations or needs, other people are much more likely to want to work with those needs.
Set a boundary.
If someone has not followed an expectation or crossed a line, (whether it be a child leaving out toys or a teen leaving dirty plates or an adult saying something judgmental), we need to let that person know what is and is not ok. Remember that how one expresses a boundary matters. Speaking in a calm, clear, firm tone helps others listen. Examples: “Toys need to be put away before dinner.” | “Plates need to go in the dishwasher when you’re finished eating.” | “That doesn’t feel good when you say that to me. Please keep your opinions to yourself.”
Change the things you can change and let go of the things you can’t.
Just like that famous “Serenity Prayer” says, “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Recognize if something is happening because of the developmental stage your child is in, a mood someone is in, or a way of doing something that is different than your own. Sometimes we just need to accept “different strokes for different folks” and let things be.
Consider “What really matters right now?”
This question always helps me figure out where to put my attention and energy. Once I’m clear on what matters, I can take the action that needs to happen and let go of whatever doesn’t really matter at that moment. Try asking yourself this question to refocus on what is most important.
Maintain your momentum! Identify what you learned & keep practicing
Once you have gotten through a frustrating experience, take time to reflect on what worked and what didn’t. What did you do that was helpful? What might have backfired? Every conflict yields an opportunity for growth, so take time to reflect. Even when things don’t go well, learning is available for us. Keep experimenting and call me if you need some support! What you focus on will grow.
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