Dear Readers,
I hope you are enjoying the start of December! This is a busy time of year for many people, so I wanted to share five useful “parenting mantras” to help you and your kids stay calm, connected, and cooperative.
As I share in my blog on mantras, a parenting mantra is a word or phrase that helps you regain control of yourself and focus on what you need to think or do in a given moment. Mantra comes from a Sanskrit word meaning a “sacred message or text, charm, spell, counsel.”
When we use a phrase that guides us to act wisely and in alignment with our core values, we are much more likely to respond in a conscious way, instead of being reactive. As you practice using your mantra, it can be almost like a little bell in your mind that reminds you to slow down, listen, be playful, and co-creative in the moment.
Below are some of my favorite parenting mantras that I share with my parent coaching clients. If you focus on them, they will come to you when you need a little boost of inspiration.
#1 Connect, Then Redirect
When we need our child or teen to do something differently, it’s important to connect with them in a genuine way before giving a directive. People learn best when they feel relaxed, safe, and supported. When your children feel seen and cared for, they more likely to cooperate, so it’s a win win!
Here’s what “Connect, then Redirect” might look and sound like:
For younger children: “I see you’re having fun throwing those markers at your brother’s castle. Let’s see if you can get them in this box/bowl/container instead. How good is your aim? Ok, Now want to come help me make a salad?”
For a tween or teen: “You’ve been on your phone/ipad for a while. What have you been enjoying on there?” (Listen with genuine curiosity and keep your tone and face interested and neutral.). “That sounds exciting/interesting/hard (depending on what they say). How about you tell me more while we set the table for dinner? OR I’d like to talk with you about our plans this afternoon. Could you take a break for a few minutes?”
#2 Ask More Questions
As parents, we are often tired, moving quickly, or multitasking, so it can be hard to slow down and really listen. However, when we ask more questions, we understand our child or teen and their needs much better. This understanding allows us to respond to them more effectively.
When you feel judgment or worry rise up in you in response to something your child or teen has said or done, experiment with leaning in with curiosity instead of stating your opinion or concern first.
Try describing the situation nonjudgementally first. Then, ask more questions for understanding.
Here’s what “Ask More Questions” might look and sound like:
For younger children: “Wow, you just hit your sister. What are you so mad about?” Listen first, and then share back what they said to check for understanding. “So, you were mad that she was ignoring you when you wanted to show her something, is that right?” Listen some more. “Ok, can you tell me our family rule about hitting?” Listen. “That’s right. I get it that you were mad, and I know you can do better by using your words or asking for help if you get frustrated. What do you need when you’re angry? Let’s work on this together.”
For a tween or teen: “Hey, you’re late getting home. What happened?” Listen and share back what you heard to check for understanding. “So you were having fun with your friends and lost track of time, is that right?” Listen again. “Ok, I need to know you are safe, so I’m asking for better communication from you. We had an agreement about when you’d be home. What might help you to remember to either be on time or ask me about changing the time in the future? I want to be able to count on you to honor our agreement.” For more ideas on effective communication with your teen, read 9 Ways to Improve Conversations with your Tweens and Teens.
#3 More Play, Less Screens
I hear a lot of parents say they’d like their kids to spend less time on screens. This is one of the great struggles for our current generation of parents. It’s hard for us to not be on our phones and screens, too. It’s especially difficult because apps and TV are stimulating and designed to keep you clicking, swiping and wanting more, even if you know you won’t necessarily feel better from the experience.
If we want to promote a more play-based childhood, we need to take steps to encourage our kids to play and create more.
This can seem daunting, but it’s important to remember that human beings are made to adapt quickly to changing circumstances. You can make the changes you want to make if you focus and follow through on your plan. Set up your home environment to invite play and creativity by having books, art supplies, games, music available to your family. You may have to put in effort to get those activities going at first, but children will find them pleasurable and relaxing. Set up a call with me if you need help.
Listen to this excellent podcast on how to talk with your kids about screens in a respectful, transparent, collaborative manner: How to Motivate Our Kids Without Nagging Them!
In the book Parenting Well in a Media Age: Keeping Our Kids Human, Gloria deGaetano shares the “Vital Five” aspects of healthy brain and personal development:
- A Loving Parent-Child Bond
- An Interior Life
- Image Making (creating mental images from reading and listening to words and music)
- Creative Expression
- Contribution as Relationship (serving as part of being in a family or community)
Here are five questions you can ask your children and yourself each day to ensure you are nurturing these vital components of a healthy life…
Daily Questions for Wellbeing
- Have I spent time talking and being close to someone?
- Have I spent time by myself thinking, writing or playing?
- Have I read or listened to a book or music?
- Have I done something creative?
- Have I done something to help someone else?
#4 Listen to Your Heart
It’s easy to get swayed by overwhelm and the “shoulds” – what we imagine other people think we should do. This imagined “chorus of dictators” can include people we know personally as well as social media influencers, authors, and authority figures. To tune into our own internal wisdom, we need to listen to our own hearts. So often, when I am doing Inner Counselor Meditations with my clients, they mention feeling their truth in their chest and heart area.
Experiment with listening more to your heart and your body’s wisdom. You may find that you experience knowing your truth about next steps through the feelings in your body.
“The Inner Counselor Process you did with me helped me dive deep and feel safe in my own inner landscape to explore difficult experiences in a less triggery fashion. I tapped into deeper parts of myself that needed to be heard and understood in order for healing to commence. It is still the most standout, healing thing I have done around that experience.
I walked away with compassion for myself, understanding without judgment, new perspective, and grace for a difficult situation.” — Jenn F, mother of three, Gunnison, CO
If you’re interested in a single Inner Counselor Process meditation, you can either email me or schedule a Parent Coaching Call on my schedule and email me to let me know how you’d like to use that call. People often tell me years after one of these sessions that they still use the imagery for personal guidance.
#5 How do I want my kids to feel?
When we are feeling frustrated or unsatisfied with how something is going, it can be helpful to stop and ask ourselves, “How do I want my kids to feel?” As Maya Angelou famously said, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
How do we want our kids to feel when they are around us?
Pausing to take a “balcony view” of our lives can help us gain perspective and remember what is most important and aligned with our values. This might look like:
- Taking a deep breath and saying “Let me try that again…”
- Changing our tone mid-sentence to a more kind and respectful tone
- Offering a hug and reframe instead of a lecture
- Asking if our child wants to hear our thoughts instead of automatically telling them what we think
- Choosing playfulness instead of repetition
- Asking for collaboration instead of nagging
We are going to make mistakes when parenting. What matters is that we own our behavior, apologize when we make mistakes, and show that we are learning and making an effort to be our best selves. You will find that your children thank you for these efforts as they get older and they learn how hard it is to be a grown-up. How do you want your kids to feel around you?
They will model what they learn from you. So pause, take a breath, and keep trying to do your best. We are designed to learn and grow, and so are our children.
I wish you a happy next few weeks as you connect with family and friends and spend more time with your children. Schedule a call with me if you need more support and want to explore how parent coaching can work for you in the new year.
All my best,
Amy
Seasonal Blogs for further reading…
Your Holiday Tool Belt
Powerful, simple ways to stay calm and enjoy the holidays. Check out this "holiday tool belt" of mindsets, mantras, and strategies you can use today!
How to Create Your Own Parenting Mantras
Learn how to stop yelling and feeling frustrated, and start connecting. Use this process to develop your own parenting mantras. You'll gain clarity and confidence!
How to Choose Your Word of the Year
Get clear on who you want to be, what you want to do, and what you want to have in your life in the coming year. You'll discover your own touchstone word to help you stay aligned with your goals in a simple and powerful way!
