How You Communicate Matters
When parenting children, teens and young adults, HOW you communicate greatly affects how your child responds. Using three simple shifts in your approach – more connection, clarity and playfulness – you can dramatically increase your child’s interest in listening and cooperating with you. These three “ADHD parenting skills” will improve communication with all kids.
Connection, clarity and playfulness are keys to positive interactions with your children, teens, and even spouses. This is especially true if anyone in your family has ADHD or ADHD-like tendencies.
People with ADHD are especially sensitive to the responses of others and need connection to feel interested and motivated. Check out my ADHD resources to learn more about this pattern and ADHD parenting tips.
With two of my three children having types of ADHD, and all three being emotionally sensitive, I have learned to shift my “how” through personal experience. I’ve also coached many, many parents with kids who show ADHD-like behavior, such as difficulty staying on task, having many ideas at once, extra sensitivity, as well as creativity, ability to hyperfocus on personal interests, and insightfulness.
By increasing connection, speaking more briefly and clearly, and being playful, parents are able to increase loving feelings and family harmony. Conflict and frustration drop, and peace and cooperation rise. Everyone feels more relaxed and happy together, and daily conflict melts away.
The Common ADHD Parenting Mistake: Too Much Talking, Too Much Pressure
When kids or adults (especially those with ADHD) get locked into something interesting, it’s very hard to switch gears. While it’s wonderful to have that ability to hyperfocus, it can clash with other people’s needs and schedules.
Parents often come to me, frustrated and feeling out of ideas. They say things like, “I have to repeat myself so many times! It’s like my child isn’t even listening.”
OR “I’ll ask my child to go do one simple thing, and then ten minutes later, she is playing and that one thing hasn’t even happened. It makes me want to shout at her, but then she’d just cry and I would feel terrible. What should I do? I can’t follow her around everywhere. I have stuff to do, too.”
More talking, more reminders, and more pressure don’t result in cooperation. Instead, they usually lead to yelling, tears, and precious time wasted. This happens both in the moment as well as in the aftermath, when everyone involved is recovering from the explosion of feelings.
Kids feel bad that their parents or siblings are mad at them and are sick of being nagged. Parents feel exhausted from all the repetition, coercing and monitoring they feel they have to do to keep their child moving through the daily schedule. Conflict can also arise between spouses when they disagree on the approach and both are tired and frustrated.
The good news is that by focusing on connection, clarity, and playfulness, you can transform this dynamic into more love and fun.
“Working with Amy has been a game changer for our family. It has helped me see things from my daughter's perspective, which has allowed us to be so much closer and to have the relationship we both wanted but couldn't quite get to. We reached out to Amy when we were frustrated and had no idea how to improve our family dynamic or get our daughter’s buy-in. Everything felt like a negotiation, a fight. We knew we needed to improve certain things, but were so exhausted by the daily difficulties we couldn’t implement any consistent changes. Coaching with Amy has helped us focus on what matters and define specific plans that have made daily life calmer. I am so proud of what we have all accomplished!”
Shift #1 From Control to Connection (Connect, then Redirect)
Can you relate to this scenario? You’ve got 10 minutes to get out the door to be on time for school, and your child has disappeared into another room and is fully immersed in some imaginative play or has forgotten something in their room and gotten lost in fixing their hair. You yell to them, “Come on!!! We are going to be late! What are you doing? We have to go!!! What? You haven’t even eaten your breakfast yet?! Uggh! Grab a bar and let’s go.”
You want to control your child, but just can’t seem to make them do the basic tasks you want them to do in the morning. Sometimes they are amazing, and do it all unprompted, but many mornings end in yelling and aggravation on both sides.
Now imagine this: Connect, Then Redirect
You’ve got 10 minutes to get out the door to be on time for school and your child has gotten distracted by something more interesting. You take a breath, and focus on connection. “Hey honey, we’ve got 10 minutes to get out the door. What do you have left to do?” Listen to their response. “Ok, sounds like you ran out of time to eat breakfast. How about you focus on your coat, shoes, and backpack and I’ll get you a bar. Let’s make a plan tonight of how you can make time to eat tomorrow. Let’s go.”
You still may be frustrated, but instead of talking about how they haven’t done what they need to do, you focus on connection: Ask one question that gets them back “online” to what needs to happen now, and then partner with them to keep moving forward.
By keeping your energy warm and collaborative, your child is far more likely to cooperate. Then, both of you are more likely to start the day feeling good and connected.
This technique of “connect, then redirect” has worked wonders in terms of family peace and increased cooperation for my parent coaching clients (and for me with my own children, too). If you’d like more tools for supporting kids with ADHD in daily transitions, please schedule a Complimentary Clarity Call with me.
Shift #2 Clarity - Fewer Words Help Kids with ADHD Cooperate
When we get anxious or frustrated, many of us default to talking more and repeating ourselves. This often backfires because our kids get overwhelmed by all of the words and go to one of the Fs of dysregulation: Fight, Flight, Freeze or Frenzy.
Here’s what dysregulation and overwhelm might look like:
- Fight – They join your energy, talking back and adding more fuel to the fire along with you
- Flight – They walk away because they are mad and hurt by your words
- Freeze – They stand there doing nothing with a scared look on their face
- Frenzy – They overcompensate by rushing around and getting anxious and upset, too.
None of these responses are what we meant to have happen. When we stay calm, get clear, and use fewer words, our own and our child or teen’s nervous system is more likely to be regulated.
When we talk a lot, it’s like we are adding more kindling to a fire that’s already going and it burns hotter and brighter, snapping and crackling. If our child has ADHD, this feels exciting and can lead to even more “sparking” behavior. I share additional communication tools for kids with ADHD on my ADHD resources page.
What if we observed our child’s “fire,” and then strategically “moved a log” to change the pattern to “a slower, more purposeful burn”?
Steps to calmly using only a few words:
- Pause and take a breath.
- Ask yourself “What is most important right now?
- Decide what to focus on. Put it into one brief statement with as few words as possible.
- Say your statement or ask your question and then stop talking.
- Keep moving in the direction of where you need to go.
Examples you can try:
- Morning: “Backpack, waterbottle, shoes and coat. Let’s go!”
- After school: “Coat (on the hook), Lunchbox (by the sink), Papers out.”
- After dinner: “Plate (in the sink), everyone helps clean up.”
- Get ready for bed: “Brush teeth, pee, and wash your hands.”
- Into bed: “PJs and book. Then into bed and we can talk.”
- For teens: “Phone plugged in out of your room. Lights out.”
- For teens: “Gear, snack and water bottle. Ready to go?”
As our kids hear us repeat these brief reminders, they start to internalize them. There is less room for conflict, and less distraction, which allows them to focus on the next steps. Try it and see what you notice!
“Parent Coaching with Amy has been wonderful! It has helped us break unhealthy patterns and given us tools and knowledge to have more harmony in our family. I found Amy’s approach to coaching to be collaborative, guiding me to be more curious and to have an open dialog with my child rather than defaulting to frustration and power struggles. My top takeaways from our sessions include helpful phrases which I continue to practice, giving my child choices and more control over how he tackles unpreferred tasks and learning how to best support him so he can meet daily routines and expectations with greater ease. We would highly recommend Amy to any parents who may be struggling!”
Shift #3 From Demands to Playful, Warm Communication
Kids who are prone to distraction (most kids, and especially kids with ADHD) do much better when we invite their attention instead of demanding it. When we make demands, we create a feeling of being challenged, which can ignite a power struggle. We unknowingly create resistance because it feels more exciting than just cooperating. No one really likes to be told what to do all day long. And as neuroscientists often say, “What we resist persists.”
So how do we melt away resistance so that we can teach our children how to take good care of themselves?
What will help them become responsible people?
How do we teach them self-determination?
As human beings, we thrive on competence, autonomy, and relatedness (the three components of self-determination and intrinsic motivation).
Demands make a child feel a lack of autonomy and a sense of not being trusted or competent. This approach can backfire easily. Playfulness invites relatedness and autonomy by increasing feelings of connection, surprise and options. These are especially engaging for a child with ADHD.
Here’s what warmth, trust, and playfulness might look like in action:
- Instead of “Set the table and sit down for dinner.” → Go over to your child in a warm and friendly way and say, “Hey, looks like you’re doing a great job of building that lego tower/doing your homework/ finishing that game. [connect with warmth] Could you come make the table look organized and ready for dinner? You can even choose a special centerpiece.” [inviting creativity and participation]
- In place of “Turn the TV off right now and get ready for soccer practice / ballet / piano / dinner.” → Go over and say something pleasant about what your child is watching. [connect]. Then give them a time frame and reminder using a few words. “We need to leave for …. in 15 minutes. Do you want to race me or come get a snack before we go?”
- With children or teens, you can offer your hands to pull them up off the couch. You can even sing some song from their childhood to get them going. This might sound crazy to use with a teenager, but I use this with my own older teenagers and it helps get them up and working with me faster than just telling them what I want them to do. The key is to have your energy be upbeat and clear instead of irritated and bossy.
- Speak in a funny voice or sing a request.
- Take on a dramatic formality as if you are in an old-fashioned movie.
- Try whatever fun or playful idea that comes to mind.
- Many kids thrive on physical affection, so offering a hug or a pat or hair ruffle is a simple and powerful way to invite cooperation.
Need help applying these ideas to your family? Schedule a Complimentary Clarity Call and you’ll walk away with personalized tools.
![[How to get kids with ADHD to listen] kids helping out in the kitchen](https://www.amybehrens.com/wp-content/uploads/2026/01/kids-helping-out-in-the-kitchen-1024x683.jpg)
Experiment! See what works…
As I continually encourage my parent coaching clients and my own children, experiment! The best way to test out an idea is to try it. We learn as much from what doesn’t work as from what does work.
Remember to consider your child’s love language as well. When human beings feel loved and cared for, they naturally want to connect and cooperate. It feels good to be in harmony with the people in your family.
Parents often tell me after a few coaching sessions that they feel like their child is growing up and becoming more mature. While this is true, part of what they are experiencing is the phenomenon that when a child feels more respected and loved, they naturally want to be more helpful, caring and responsible. When we change our tone, energy and language (HOW we communicate) to connection, clarity and playfulness, it can feel almost like magic as we see our children becoming more kind, caring and cooperative.
Practice Makes Progress: ADHD Parenting Is About Growth, Not Perfection
We are going for progress, not perfection and mastery. Our children are constantly growing and changing, and we grow and change along with them. As a good friend of mine likes to say, “New level, new devil.” This means that as we progress, whether it be in parenting, work, or learning a new skill, we discover new challenges that force us to grow.
Reflection and repair are part of growth. When something doesn’t go well, pause and reflect on your HOW and then try again using more connection, clarity and playfulness. If you need to apologize, do so. We teach our kids how to take responsibility and keep trying when we model that behavior ourselves.
Closing Thoughts: Building Cooperation and Family Harmony with ADHD Tendencies in Mind
Whether or not your child has ADHD, you will find that focusing on HOW you communicate and using more connection, clarity and playfulness make a big difference in the level of cooperation and harmony in your home. You will feel more loving and delighted with your children as they feel more loving towards you. They are absorbing our ways of being, so it’s worth consciously focusing on how you communicate with your children. You are raising young adults who you will love to be with for many years to come!
If you’re looking for more relationship-first ADHD parenting tools, you’ll find a growing collection on my ADHD resources page.
Note: All photos on this blogpost are courtesy of Unsplash.com.
Related Blog Posts:
Loving Well: Seven Paths to Connection
Connection is the key to restoring harmony at home. This post shares seven simple ways for parents to move from stress and conflict into calm, connection, and cooperation.
How Do I Apologize Effectively to My Kids? Why Do Apologies Matter?
Parenting is hard, and we all slip up. A sincere apology can repair trust, model empathy, and teach kids how to take responsibility and grow.
Essential Parenting Tips to Nurture Connection and Cooperation: How to Be Calm, Clear, and Confident
Calm, clear, and confident parenting helps children feel safe, connected, and cooperative—creating a more peaceful family life.
