When’s the last time you spoke too harshly or asked a question that triggered a big reaction in your child or parenting partner? You try to apologize, but things often just get worse. You both end up upset and frustrated. This can happen fast, especially when anyone is hungry, tired, or stressed.
How to apologize sincerely to a child and handle intense emotions often comes up in my parent coaching calls. I want to offer my readers support and encouragement in developing these important parenting skills. The fall season is a good time to reflect on our behavior and tune ourselves up for the new year ahead. These skills are perennial and deserve tending!
Below, I’ll share 6 steps to an effective apology and examples for each to illustrate what a good apology can look like with your kids.
But first, let’s tune inward to gain personal insight…
Reflect on your own experiences
Think about a recent time when someone did something that hurt your feelings or crossed your boundaries. How did you feel? Perhaps you can still feel the sting of disappointment, anger, and pain somewhere in your body when you think about that experience.
Did you receive an apology? If so, how did the apology make you feel? Heard, diminished, shamed, supported…? Why?
If you didn’t receive an apology, how did that feel to you? Are you still waiting for one?
What do you want in an apology?
For me, when I feel hurt by someone’s words or actions, I want them to:
- Say “I’m sorry”
- Acknowledge their behavior
- Feel and express a sincere sense of remorse
- Commit to doing better in the future.
Whether it’s an apology for an accident, an omission, a nasty comment, or rude behavior, those four parts matter to me. What matters to you?
Why are apologies important?
Apologies rebuild relationships by taking responsibility for actions, restoring trust and showing empathy. Both the giver and receiver of the apology can heal and grow from the experience.
The giver grows from practicing courage, responsibility, honesty, humility and compassion.
The receiver grows from practicing forgiveness, compassion, and experiencing the feeling of being validated and respected by the other person.
A sincere apology can help restore feelings of dignity and mutual respect and reduce feelings of fear, hurt, and wanting vengeance.
Most importantly with children, effective apologies model responsible, caring behavior. Our children follow our example. Modeling the behavior you want to see in your children creates a more harmonious culture in your family.
7 Steps to a sincere and effective apology
Say “I’m sorry.”
These simple words are powerful. I’ve heard so many people over the years say, “I just wanted to hear him/her/them say “I’m sorry.” Those words acknowledge awareness of having done something wrong that hurt the other person. That admission of wrongdoing opens up the path to amends. If you explain or talk about what happened, but never say “I’m sorry,” the other person is left to wonder if you truly are sorry, sometimes for decades.
Examples: “I’m sorry. That wasn’t nice of me.” | “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have… Next time I’ll…”
Acknowledge what you did wrong in a clear way.
Be clear and specific about what you are apologizing for to the other
person. Use “I” and not “you.” Hearing you state what you did wrong helps the other person understand that you are taking responsibility for your actions and acknowledge that you have caused harm.Example: “I’m sorry I said that you made us miss the swimming lesson. I was the one who threatened no swimming lesson if you didn’t stop what you were doing and get dressed. What do you wish I had said instead to help you get ready?”
What not to say: “I’m sorry you felt sad/hurt…I didn’t mean to…” This feels empty and can make the other person feel blamed for having feelings. Own your part and the apology will go better. “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings” feels better.
Avoid making excuses.
It’s very important to not add on “but …” and then go on to add what they did that caused you to behave in the way you did. This can be especially tempting for parents when apologizing because we want to have our kids learn a lesson or take responsibility, too. However, an apology becomes much more effective if you simply state what you did and leave it. Your child will either accept it and move on or possibly apologize also for what they did wrong (sometimes a while later).
Examples: “I’m sorry I spoke in a harsh tone.” | “I’m sorry I interrupted you.” | “I’m sorry I knocked over your project by mistake.” Leave out any trace of shame or blame, even if your child or teen did something unwise that unwittingly led you to react as you did.
What not to say: “Sorry I yelled, but you were being too loud and annoying.” or “Sorry I bumped into your cello, but you left it out and in the way so that wouldn’t have happened if you were more responsible.” See how it ends up not being an apology at all, but a further critique and blame and shame move?
Express your remorse for what you did wrong.
When you show that you are affected by the hurt you caused and/or truly mean what you say, the other person feels the sincerity of your apology more fully and is more likely to forgive you. Your relationship will be restored more quickly when you express true sorrow for hurting the other person.Sometimes we move to anger before we can apologize because we are mad at something the other person did that caused us to feel upset or make a mistake. If we can pause and take a breath and just focus on our part, the apology will go much better. We can talk with our child about their part in what happened later, when emotions are calmer.
Example: “I’m sorry that I blamed you for what happened before I listened to both sides. That must have felt maddening when I refused to listen and just made an assumption. I wasn’t being very fair, and I apologize.”
Later on you can have a different conversation about why you might have made an assumption and what you’d like to see your child do differently. Or maybe you might share how when you are making dinner, it’s hard to settle arguments by listening because you can’t stop very easily. However, in the moment, your child will feel better if you simply apologize for your part in the matter.
Listen to what the other person has to say.
After we apologize, the other person often wants to say more about their feelings. If we can practice empathy and listen fully, that will help mend the relationship more quickly. This is a great time to bite your tongue and swallow your pride for a bit, even though you might want to jump into defending yourself. If you can show you listened by restating what you heard the other person say and checking for accuracy, that person will feel comforted by your efforts to hear their point of view. This goes a long way towards healing hurt feelings.
Example: “So it sounds like you felt like I wasn’t listening when I looked at my phone while you were telling me your story, and you’d like me to put my phone down when you want to tell me something. Is that right? Is there anything else you want me to understand?” | “That makes sense that you got mad when I told you that you need to be more careful. You were trying to be careful and simply made a mistake. Is there anything else that made you mad?”
Offer to make amends.
When we apologize AND offer to do something to make a situation
feel better, the person who was wronged feels better. For me with my own children, the easiest way to find a good way to make amends is to ask my child what they wish I had done differently. Then if possible, I will do a re-do right then or keep in mind what they have told me for the future. Often our children have good ideas about how we can be more respectful or kind. We just need to listen. 🙂Examples: “What do you wish I had done differently?” | “In the future, what would you like me to say instead when I want you to…?” “I might need a reminder to help me remember to … How do you want to remind me?”
Commit to doing better in the future.
When our kids see, hear, and feel us working to do better in the future, they appreciate our efforts, and trust us and our apology more fully. We are human and will make mistakes, so know that as soon as you become conscious that you are repeating an offense, you can stop mid-sentence and shift gears to act in a more thoughtful manner. Our children will notice and will be more likely to follow our example.
Example: “Whoops! There I go again. Let me try another way.” | “You need to…!” Close your mouth as soon as you realize you are saying something that your child has asked you not to say and shift gears) “Re-Do! I see that you are on the phone. I’m about to serve dinner. Please sign off and come eat in 3 minutes. OR “I’ve asked you to bring in all your things from the car. It looks like you forgot. Could you please go get your backpack right now?”
person. Use “I” and not “you.” Hearing you state what you did wrong helps the other person understand that you are taking responsibility for your actions and acknowledge that you have caused harm.
When you show that you are affected by the hurt you caused and/or truly mean what you say, the other person feels the sincerity of your apology more fully and is more likely to forgive you. Your relationship will be restored more quickly when you express true sorrow for hurting the other person.
feel better, the person who was wronged feels better. For me with my own children, the easiest way to find a good way to make amends is to ask my child what they wish I had done differently. Then if possible, I will do a re-do right then or keep in mind what they have told me for the future. Often our children have good ideas about how we can be more respectful or kind. We just need to listen. 🙂Be mindful of timing with your apology
Different situations merit particular timing for an apology.
When to give an immediate apology
F
or many situations, an immediate apology is merited. Quickly owning your mistake allows the giver and receiver to move on and return to balance more swiftly. Paying attention to nonverbal communication is helpful to know when to apologize right away. When you see that the other person is looking sad, hurt, angry or disappointed, you can quickly check in to see if you have acted unkindly, and then apologize. This might sound like, “Sorry, that came out more rudely than I intended.” | “Wow, I must be stressed. Sorry for snapping at you.” | “Whoops, let me try that again.”
Choose the best time and environment for a bigger apology
If you have done something and time has passed and you feel a rupture in your relationship, it’s time for a more thoughtful apology. Consider the other person’s needs and daily life. When would be a good time for that person to have a conversation with you? Perhaps you choose a time where you are both more relaxed and bring up your desire to apologize then. Or, you might ask to sit down or go on a walk to apologize, making it clear that you are open to hearing their experience and perspective.
Other times a letter or text of apology can be best. When my kids were teens, sometimes I would apologize by text and offer to talk later if they wanted to discuss something with me. Often they would simply text back “Thank you,” and then we’d be back on track. They didn’t want a big conversation, but they did want to know that I acknowledged my part in a situation.
Experiment and learn from experience what works best for your child or other people in your life. When you miss the mark, ask what would be better in the future to learn what each person needs. Get clear on what you need, too, so that when other people apologize to you, you know what to ask for.
Physical accidents require an apology in the moment
Perhaps we bump into our child or step on their toe when they are standing too close and not paying attention or we are not paying attention. It’s best to offer an immediate apology, no matter whose “fault” it might seem to be. Or maybe you are brushing a child’s hair or trying to help them and by mistake, hurt them.
Even if you didn’t mean to hurt someone, if you have caused them physical pain, it’s important to apologize. Your empathy and concern for their wellbeing will help them feel better. Sometimes children can make a big deal of small physical events, and it can be tempting to minimize it or tell them to get over it. However, a simple apology and expression of care and concern will often help your child to move through the experience more quickly.
Model what you want to receive from your child
If we want to hear our children, teens, and adult children give a sincere apology, we must model and teach what a sincere and effective apology looks and feels like. These skills can be both taught and demonstrated. As Gandhi said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”
My own children notice and comment when I make a concerted effort to apologize and do better. My clients often report that their children comment that they are yelling less and being kinder in requests and routines. What we do makes a big difference in shaping our family culture. While none of us want to make mistakes or hurt others’ feelings, we invariably do so because we are human and have our own experiences, strengths, and weaknesses.
Learning to apologize effectively is an important skill to develop for yourself and in your family. When children see us make mistakes and then work on making positive changes, they trust us more. We provide a road map of how to learn and grow as a human being. We also provide skills that they will use in their communities – in a classroom, on a playground, and in their widening world as they grow up.
Need help applying these skills to your family? Schedule a Clarity Call with me and we’ll practice the skills you want to develop in an easygoing way that will empower you to feel confident in your apologies.
Related Blog Posts:
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