After reading Gary Chapman’s newest books on The 5 Love Languages of Children and The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers, I’ve been sharing about the 5 love languages in parenting with many of my parent coaching clients.
I’m witnessing powerful results – more spontaneous hugs and “I love yous,” meaningful conversations, increased emotional regulation, cooperation, and more fun – so I wanted to share these practices with you, too.
With your increased awareness and a few little shifts, you can dramatically improve your family’s overall happiness together – what my clients often say they most deeply desire.
Learn about the 5 Love Languages
Children benefit from all five of the love languages, and it’s great to practice using all of them over the course of each day.
However, when you use your child’s preferred love language, you are filling their emotional tank and increasing feelings of loving connection, emotional regulation, and simple joy between you and your child.
If you rarely use their preferred love language, your child may not feel how much you truly love them.
Using the 5 love languages enhances your child’s emotional vocabulary, which will last a lifetime! Your child will be happier at home, at school, with friends, and out in the world.
When children and teenagers feel well loved, they feel safe and secure, and are therefore more able to engage in life fully and joyfully. They are also able to be more kind, generous and enjoyable people who express these qualities for the rest of their lives.
Who doesn’t want to raise kids you and others love to be with when they’re adults? Learning and using the 5 love languages creates a win-win for all involved!
Here’s what I’m sharing today:
How to Recognize and Use “The 5 Love Languages”
Children, teenagers and adults benefit from being with people who use all of the following love languages. By learning and using all 5 love languages, you are building emotional resilience in children and developing their emotional literacy. You are teaching your kids about feelings and giving them tools to show love and care for others. Try it, and you will see how your loving, positive parenting creates an upward cycle of love, connection, and mutual appreciation!
Click on each tile below to learn how to recognize who prefers each love language and get easy ideas to express that love language.
Physical Touch
Ways of expressing physical touch might include: Hugs, kisses, holding hands, gentle touches, love pats, ruffling hair, back massages, roughhousing, being held, and sitting close together when you read or watch something together. Each little touch from you reminds them that you love them.
Words of Affirmation
Expressing words of affirmation might include: Commenting specifically on what a great job they did on something, noticing aloud values they practice, saying a kind thing about their appearance, taking the time to say out loud what you appreciate about them, offering spontaneous expressions of love and gratitude for them being who they are.
Quality Time
Honoring quality time might include: Giving eye contact and stopping what you are doing when you listen, setting aside special time to do something together that they enjoy, going on walks, errands, or outings together, playing games, reading stories, doing art projects, building things, and having quality conversations about thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
Gifts
Gifts might include: a small object that made you think of them, a favorite food or product that they use, surprises that delight them, a book or bouquet of their favorite flowers, a special snack arranged beautifully on a plate for them, an outing to their favorite restaurant, birthday or holiday gifts that show thought and care, materials for activities they enjoy, symbolic items to celebrate their special qualities or interests.
Acts of Service
Acts of service might include: Making their lunch, brushing their hair, helping them get their coat on, setting out their backpack or filling their water bottle if they are in a rush, making their bed one morning, helping them do an onerous task, partnering with them to do a difficult project, running an errand for them, offering to help when they are stressed or short on time, volunteering time to help others together.
Click here or click on the love language that interests you to read examples of what each of the 5 love languages looks like with children and teens in my own life.
Wait — Parenting is always full of acts of service! Aren’t I doing enough already?
Parents, and often especially mothers, pour huge emotional, physical, intellectual, spiritual, and financial resources into their children as they parent. This is true especially if “Acts of Service” are your primary love language, and you feel loved when others do acts of service for you.
To determine if “Acts of Service” are truly your child’s preferred love language, it’s helpful to pause and notice your child’s responses to your many acts of love and duty. How much does your child or teen notice and appreciate your acts of service? If you need some “Words of Affirmation,” you might need to ask for more thank yous. And, you might see that you could shift to other ways of loving.
For example, if you have a child who cares most about quality time or physical affection, they may not notice or pay attention to all of your acts of service because they are looking for hugs and special time together as signs that you love them. If this is the case, you might delegate some of your acts of service to your family members so that you can focus more on the love languages your child most appreciates. Not sure how? Schedule a Complimentary Clarity Call with me and we’ll figure out how to optimize where you put your energy together.
What do I do if my child pushes away or rejects one of the 5 love languages?
If you find your child pushing away or rejecting one of these love languages, try another. We all have preferences, and finding your child’s preference is key to attunement with them. Sometimes children are going through a phase that will change with time. Other times, they have had a negative experience with one of the love languages and are rejecting that language for a period of time.
Here are some examples:
- 5 and 6-year olds tend to be fickle. One minute, they are acting grown up and wanting responsibility and recognition (words of affirmation), and the next minute, they want to sit on your lap again (physical touch) and have you do things for them (acts of service). Go with their flow and keep experimenting with different love languages, and they will feel loved and keep maturing over time.
- 13 and 14-year olds often go through a time of wanting adults to give them space and ask permission for hugs or pats. They may appreciate your buying their favorite snack much more than a hug (gifts). Then, as they grow out of that more “prickly time,” they are back to hugging you (physical touch), especially if you have been able to respect their need for bodily autonomy during this phase of adolescence.
- Children who are going back and forth between two parents’ houses may reject their usual primary love languages for a few hours or a day as they adjust back to being with you. You can respond by shifting to a different love language and being patient and kind. Once they settle in, then you can return to expressing love in their primary love language. Keep in mind your primary love language and be sure you have people in your life who make you feel loved as you go through this transition, too!
Want to learn more? I highly recommend reading Dr. Gary Chapman and Dr. Ross Campbell’s books: “The 5 Love Languages of Children: The Secret to Loving Children Effectively” and “The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers: The Secret to Increasing Joy and Trust with Your Teen.”
Ways to figure out your child’s primary love language
The two best ways to discover your child’s primary love are by direct inquiry and by observation. Note: By “child,” I mean your child of any age, including teens and adult children.
Click on the pathway that interests you most.
- Direct Inquiry – Have your child draw pictures and/or talk about when they feel loved.
- Pay Attention – Make observations and connections about when your child lights up or seems especially hurt or upset.
- Make a 5 Love Languages Chart – Data will point you in the right direction.
Direct Inquiry - Make a Picture
With very young children or older children, pictures often speak more loudly than words. Here’s a family activity you can try together. You can see a great video demo of this method HERE.
- Take a piece of 8 ½ x 11” paper and fold in half in both directions to create four rectangles.
- Ask each person, including yourself, to draw four ways that they feel loved or four experiences when they felt lots of love, one in each rectangle. Avoid suggesting ideas if possible and instead, prompt them by asking questions like, “When do you feel like I love you?” or “When do you feel like your sibling loves you?” or “How do you know your teacher/friend cares about you?” Ask them to draw a picture that shows these moments or actions.
- If you can’t understand your child’s drawing fully, ask them to tell you about it and if you can write down a few words about it so that you both can remember in the future. Ex. “When Mommy lies next to me at night and sings a song” (physical touch and quality time) “Me and Daddy making pancakes and he lets me stir them all by myself.”(quality time) “My teacher telling me I am great at sharing with my friends.”(words of affirmation) “When you help me get dressed if I am sleepy in the morning.” (acts of service) “When my brother gives me one of his toys”(gifts)
- Talk about the drawings each person has made and consider stating out loud which of the 5 love languages seem to stand out. For some children, they will have examples of all of the love languages, whereas others will show a strong preference.
- Save these drawings to see if and how your children change in their love language preference over time.
Pay Attention - Make observations and connections:
Pay attention both to when your child lights up and when your child feels especially hurt, sad, or angry. When you see your child especially happy and loving towards you, notice what you are doing or what you have just been doing.
Positive “light up” signs to look for:
- When you are being physically affectionate, does your child lean in towards you? Does your child often want to touch you or be close to you? Does your child soften when you touch them kindly? (physical touch)
- Does your child beam when you comment on a particular quality or accomplishment of theirs with appreciation of their unique talents, gifts, and/or character? (words of affirmation)
- Is your child’s idea of a wonderful day one that mentions spending time together talking or enjoying something they love without distractions? (quality time)
- When you give your child a little something that made you think of them or that you know they would love, do they react with true delight? (gifts)
- Does your child appreciate your help out loud or hug you when you do something to help them or make their load a little lighter? (acts of service)
Emotionally Hurt, Sad or Angry Reactions to recognize:
- If you are physically rough or dismissive of your child because you are either overwhelmed or angry, does your child react very strongly with tears, anger, or avoidance? (physical touch)
- When you focus on what your child is doing wrong by either correcting or criticizing them often, does your child crumple or get mad? Does your child seem overly sensitive to mean words said by a sibling, friend, or by you? (words of affirmation)
- Does your child seem especially needy at the end of the day if you haven’t been together? When your time with your child gets cut short by a phone call, text or distraction, does your child get especially frustrated? Does your child ask you to sit with them in the bathroom, while they are eating, or watching something? (quality time)
- Do you often hear your child wish for gifts or that you would buy them something? Does your child feel especially hurt when someone gives them a gift that shows that they don’t really know your child well or remember past gifts? (gifts)
- Does your child talk about wishing that you would make their lunch or do things for them, even though they are capable of doing those things themselves? Do you hear a big sigh of relief or thank you from your child when you help them out? (acts of service)
Make a 5 Love Languages Chart
Consider making a chart of the 5 love languages and putting checks under each one over the course of a week. As you notice your child lighting up with happiness or being extra upset when a love language is not used or used in negative ways, write a check in the corresponding love language column. At the end of the week, see what patterns emerge.
This practice will help you learn your child’s preferred love language. As you use that love language more often, do you notice that your child is relaxing and becoming more kind, cooperative, and enjoyable? If so, you are on the right track!
Some "How To" examples to inspire you
As I have been reflecting on the 5 Love Languages this past month after reading The Five Love Languages of Children and The Five Love Languages of Teenagers, I’ve been happy to realize that I like to use all 5 love languages often in my own family. Each of us seems to have a strong preference for quality time and physical touch, which makes others comment that we are a “huggy” family when we are together. I’ve also learned through trial and error ways to lean into each of my children’s preferred love language when things get rocky. This practice helps bring back feelings of peace and harmony, and keeps us connected with each other, which is important for all of us.
Physical Touch
For example, one of my daughters is especially responsive to physical touch. So, when she is mad or sad about something, I will open my arms to see if she would like a hug. Much of the time, a huge bear hug will either open the gates for tears to flow or words to come out that help me understand what is going on. If I try using words of affirmation or offer to do something for her, that child will say, “No, I just want to sit here with you.” Sometimes that can be hard if I have things to do, or am feeling irritated, but I have learned that it is worth giving her some quiet, loving, physical presence to help her regulate her emotions. She will then spontaneously say what she needs and be able to go take those steps. She feels supported and we are in good relationship with each other.
Words of Affirmation
One of my nieces especially loves words of affirmation. When she is upset about something, she doesn’t want to be touched, but is open to my making guesses about what she is feeling, and starts smiling as I comment on some of her special qualities or something I noticed that she did that showed her values or intention. I can see her visibly relax and then she will want a hug and be more open to resolving a conflict.
Quality Time
One of my nephews craves quality time. If he feels that his sisters are getting more attention and time, he feels angry and starts doing things to annoy them. Spending uninterrupted time with him, watching him perform new skills or playing a game or watching a favorite show means the world to him. He becomes loving, sweet, and affectionate when he feels you are focused on spending time with him. His eyes light up and he laughs and smiles and loves being with you.
Gifts
Another of my nephews appreciates gifts. I notice when I am visiting that he has pictures I have drawn for him and other gifts displayed on his shelves. He loves gifts that show special attention to things he loves. When it is his birthday, he loves having the whole day feel special with many little touches that show he is loved and appreciated.
Acts of Service
One of my clients recently told me that her daughter especially appreciates acts of service as a sign of love. She told her mom, “When you make my lunch for me, it makes me feel so good inside. I know you care. I can do it, but I really like it when you make it for me. It tastes better that way.”
When family members tune in to how each person needs to feel love expressed, everyone benefits and the household feels more in sync with each other.
Positive experiences of learning to use children’s love languages:
“After a few months of working together, I feel like my family is lighter and happier together. I have a toolkit of mindsets and strategies to go back to when I need support…My communication with my family has improved and we have more fun together. The little shifts have made all the difference and I feel excited to keep working to know and understand my kids, myself, and my husband so that we can all thrive and feel happy together.” Lara F., Colorado, mother of 3 boys ages 8, 13, and 15
“…my boys are happier. They feel appreciated, and know we are both there for them. They now see my second husband not as a threat, but as a big addition to their lives. It’s really wonderful to see. Parent coaching with Amy has been essential in this transformation. I have so much more confidence in our family unit now, and I am grateful.” Kate and Mark B, parents of two boys ages 12 and 13 in Acton, MA
Closing Thoughts
Becoming more conscious about how to use the 5 love languages in your family makes everything feel better and creates more family harmony. You can visit my family harmony resources section to learn more. You have the power to transform strife, disconnection and disharmony through the power of love. The 5 Love Languages offer a simple solution to reconnect, love each other and create more peace.
If you need any support implementing these, please schedule a Complimentary Clarity Call and let’s come up with some ideas together.
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